Oh Thomas Tuchel, how I love you! Unlike the last boss of the England team, Saint Gareth of Southgate, there’s no smart suit and fashionable theories about sad young men for you. You won’t write a book called ‘Anything Is Possible: Be Brave, Be Kind & Follow Your Dreams’. No one will ever write a play about you, though you are beautifully portrayed in the current series of Radio 4’s Dead Ringers, repeatedly correcting Gary Lineker’s sloppy thinking and Harry’s Kane’s flights of fancy with a kindly but firm ‘No, Gary’ and ‘No, Harry’ before explaining to them exactly what’s what. There’s always a special affection about the way the studio audience laugh at your small speeches and cheer when the sketches conclude.

After Southgate’s touchy-feeliness, how refreshing is his down-to-earth style

After Southgate’s touchy-feeliness, how refreshing is his down-to-earth style

After Southgate’s touchy-feeliness, how refreshing is your down-to-earth style! England’s victory over Norway was met with a brusque: ‘The commitment is there, but we made life very, very difficult for us in the way we played…sloppy, lot of technical mistakes, not fast enough. We were lucky today.’ Jude Bellingham’s response, in contrast, seemed to sum up the brattiness of modern footballers ‘Yeah, well, whatever. It’s difficult out there…all of the players have put in a very tough shift.’ Perhaps it wouldn’t hurt us to try to be a little more, well, German?

I can’t believe I wrote that; I loathed ‘the Krauts’ for most of my life. I loved it when I found out that my pin-up Princess Diana referred witheringly to her in-laws as ‘the Germans’. I smirked every time I heard the ‘Dad’s Army’ theme (‘Who do you think you are kidding, Mr Hitler?/If you think old England’s done/We are the boys who will stop your little game/We are the boys who will make you think again…’) even though I’m aware that it’s a........

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