What Is Perfectionism?

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While most believe people are trying their best, perfectionists tend to believe they can always do better.

Socially-prescribed perfectionists tend to try to meet others' excessive demands to prove they're special.

Addressing one's philosophy of others may help reveal internal emotional struggles.

There are two general philosophies most of us have about others. On the one hand, many, if not most, believe that others are trying their best, usually if not always. These individuals don’t presume to know the hardships other people are experiencing but believe in their core goodness. So, they don’t need to know specifically what someone is struggling with to give them grace.

On the other hand, some, if not a select few, believe that you should always try your best. The distinction is meaningful. The second perspective implies a directive because accompanying it is the belief that others aren’t always trying their best and, in fact, usually aren’t.

The demands of perfectionism

Other-oriented perfectionists, those who hold others to extremely high standards, tend to view people as lazy, hypocritical, and dependent in comparison to themselves, who they view as diligent, rational, and independent. Their disdain is expressed through comments like, “You can always do better,” and “But did you really try your best?”

So, you may be damned if you do and damned if you don’t. If you admit that you didn’t perform as well as you could have, then you’re branded as lazy. And if you defend yourself, maintaining you did, you’ll be criticized for lacking insight, if not outright deception: “But you can always do better.” Fundamentally, the latter comment means you shouldn’t expect praise, ever, as perfection, whatever that is, remains unknown.

Therefore, socially-prescribed perfectionists—those who believe others hold them to extremely high standards and thus always try to meet them—continue to pine for recognition in a dizzying dance. The other-oriented perfectionists use these argumentative tricks to keep you hungry for approval, in the same way they may treat themselves when they aren’t comparing themselves to someone they believe to be inferior.

Differentiating between these two philosophies is important because it gets to the heart of how someone sees you, which starts to feel less personal when you discontinue believing you can become special to them, to stand apart from their apparently observant insights. All of us make this mistake at some point, whether with a demanding parent, partner, or even, as in my case, patient. We wish to be the exceptions because, at bottom, we hold the same perspective, even if feeling guilty for having it.

How perfectionism shapes relationships

When a patient says, “Well, you don’t really care about me,” some therapists rush to challenge them, listing every way they’ve tried to help. And, in a magical sort of way, they try to become King Arthur, saving the majestic sword of hope from crystalized cynicism.

What Is Perfectionism?

Take our Perfectionism Test

Find a therapist near me

A more interesting response may be, “How often do you assume others aren’t trying their best? How often do you think your sense of being more thoughtful and selfless, if not smarter too, alienates them?” Some perfectionists even discover that others, in a self-fulfilling way, don’t try their best since they’ve given up, recognizing the distance between them and gratitude. This is the epitome of a self-fulfilling prophecy.

For another perfectionist, who’s already bought into the philosophy that they can and should be special, exploitation becomes inevitable. And reorienting oneself to seeing the actual problem, perfectionism, is difficult because of how true their sense of the world feels. But, to mitigate the sorrow of internalized shame, the socially-prescribed perfectionist, who’s on the fence about whether or not the demands are reasonable, is implored to conclude how they ought to see the world. Is it divided between winners and losers? Are most people actually lazy? Would you charge your own friends with the crime of not trying their best if they appeared to be struggling?

Challenging cynicism and rigid standards

Other-oriented perfectionism is a bottomless pit. The other-oriented perfectionist is implored to challenge their world-view. Is it possible that your cynicism is rooted in shame, projected onto others to feel important? And how would you know if others are or aren’t trying their best? Do you know of their struggles or what is and isn’t possible for them?

Other-oriented perfectionists struggle with differentiating between equality and equity. Yes, they may treat everyone fairly, in that they hold everyone to impossible, ever-growing standards; but, they can’t seem to empathize with their needs and, more importantly, their limitations. I often ask these individuals questions beginning with, “How would you know…” Generally, the lack of humility supports both grandiosity and ignorance. Therefore, the other-oriented perfectionist is asked to seriously consider that they may be oversimplifying the assumptions of their expectations; that it may still be their responsibility to learn what others are and aren’t capable of, while accepting that none of us ever truly know, despite our accumulated wisdom.

These philosophies are estimations due to that fact. Whether most people are stupid, lazy, hardworking, or thoughtful is basically unanswerable. But, I’m not saying we have to leave it up to faith, either. Challenging your cynicism implies the need for constant refinement and specificity; it may even mean having a general perspective, based on prior experience, but allowing yourself to remain open to correction. Both the self-oriented and other-oriented perfectionists would be better served if, rather than fixating on their beliefs, they set them aside to learn others’ experiences. Or at least accept that if others can always be doing better, that means, by extension, you’ll never be satisfied with any of them.

© Psychology Today