How Can I Manage My Anger?

Take our Anger Management Test

Find a therapist to heal from anger

Emotional reasoning is the process by which we use our emotions to inform us about reality.

To perfectionists, anger feels justified solely by its existence.

While anger may contribute to important social justice initiatives, it can easily destroy relationships.

Like almost any other trait, perfectionism entails some commendable qualities. Perfectionists tend to be diligent, conscientious, tenacious, and consistent. Yet, all of this has a dark side.

It’s become popular in recent years to think of anger, and rage more specifically, as symbolic of chronic and even systemic mistreatment. This is especially true in philosophy circles. Rage is conceived of as a natural response to injustice. So, it’s often justified merely by its existence. The underlying message is that it could not have stemmed from anywhere other than where it appears to have stemmed from. And perfectionists, who see the world in black and white, thus tend to believe their anger is always reasonable.

Yet, like any other emotion, anger is complicated, informed by many experiences as well as the individual’s own ability to regulate their emotions. Anger isn’t by itself an indicator of any specific reality. The cognitive distortion, which in general is a pattern of flawed reasoning, of emotional reasoning implies that we’re using a feeling to form a conclusion about the world.

For example, if I’m feeling anxious, I may automatically believe I’m in danger, just based on my anxiety. Anger can reinforce itself through this process. The thought may be: “My anger clearly didn’t come from nowhere, and you’re the only one here.” We may attribute the source of our anger to another, deflecting responsibility for our feelings onto them, while again justifying it by its existence. “You made me angry” is a refrain in couples therapy.

Thus, the perfectionist remains stuck in an enclave, which further fuels their cynicism and paranoia. If one is frequently angry because of others and one’s anger is always justified, then it must mean that people, on the whole, can’t be trusted. So, while I generally agree with the philosophical stance on anger, that it’s often a sign of systemic injustice, especially when marginalized groups are silenced, we can’t apply this perspective everywhere. Again, it’s more complex. Sometimes, anger stems from poor reality testing, based more on one’s expectations rather than on how others feel or think. Perfectionism makes discernment challenging, even for an outsider peeking in.

On one hand, the perfectionist may live a life with justice at the forefront, challenging oppression by speaking out against it. And, on the other hand, they may see injustice everywhere, failing to consider how their own interpretations and biases influence their perceptions. While a perfectionist may aid in holding a corrupt system to account, expecting much in compensation and promised change, they may, in addition, treat others similarly. They don’t ask themself: Did this person mean to harm me? Did they interpret their action the same way I did? Did I misunderstand their intention? Was my perception of an injustice colored by experiences in my past, such as bullying? Do I tend to assume the worst of others, remaining hyper-vigilant for mistreatment? Do I believe that others need to be kept in line because, at bottom, they don’t really care about my feelings? And, how am I so certain that what they did to me was unjust?

Perfectionists, especially the more demanding ones, hardly ever question their ideals. While this is extremely beneficial, or at least can be, in the fight for a more equitable world (largely because the ideals are well considered and done so with others), personally, stubbornness can imply a deep lack of empathy (obviously, you can also make that case on a systemic level, but it’s much harder to with a clear power differential, unlike what exists in everyday relationships). And, therefore, stubbornness can imply the belief in a world full of winners and losers, wherein others are always trying to make you feel inferior or at least don’t care if you do. In perfectionism, anger is associated with cynicism and pessimism, and with the belief that one has to always be on guard. Anger is also associated with anxiety, which, returning to emotional reasoning, merely by its existence allows one to believe they need to protect themselves from some evident danger (i.e., with anger).

Much of the time, anger protects the perfectionist from themselves, from the self-censure and rage felt about being wrong or overreacting. Anger, also, provides a continued sense of purpose and distraction from one’s inability to like anything about themself—“I can’t hate myself if I’m busy hating you.” And anger gifts a sense of power, even omnipotent control.

How Can I Manage My Anger?

Take our Anger Management Test

Find a therapist to heal from anger

Anger makes one feel important, sometimes for the first time (can you imagine what that must feel like?). But what if one was already important? What if their anger is misplaced, at least somewhat? What if the slight was minor or even nonexistent? What if your sense of justice is at least somewhat wrong?

Other-oriented perfectionism, the expectation that others always meet your high standards, is an extreme sense of justice, one that by definition doesn’t allow for nuance, disagreement, or, maybe most importantly, introspection. Emotional reasoning needs assistance; it isn’t merely a flawed mental process. It’s more of a first step.

Anger can just as easily engender a dialogue about another’s motives as well as one about one’s beliefs around what’s fair. Sometimes, when in danger, we need to double down on anger, eliminating self-doubt in order to survive. But, at others, the pride of anger subsumes any hope for camaraderie or love. And standing on its grave is the masked perfectionist, who doesn’t even know they’re wearing a mask. In a nutshell, anger is, or should be, more of a guidepost than a guide, signaling that something needs to be explored.

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