What Is Emotion Regulation?

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Blame triggers shame and defensiveness, blocking connection and meaningful repair.

Responsibility invites openness, accountability, and trust to grow between people.

Self-kindness reduces defensiveness, making it easier to own our impact.

Small moments of ownership can quickly de-escalate conflict and restore connection.

Did you grow up being blamed for things that weren’t your fault? Or, when you did fall short, were you met with shaming criticism rather than spoken to with respect and sensitivity?

Repeated shaming criticism may be carried as a developmental trauma, overwhelming our nervous system and straining or even damaging the interpersonal bridge. As a result, we may have learned to protect ourselves against imagined threats or anticipated attacks.

When Criticism Feels Like an Attack

Perceived criticism activates our threat system. Whenever there is a hint of criticism or judgment toward us, our protective part may rush to our defense. We protest, attack, or shut down when old pain—or the prospect of such pain—is activated. As a result, we stay disconnected from ourselves—and from others.

An unintended consequence of protecting our tender heart is that we distance from people. Staying armored and defensive, we’re unable or unwilling to hear others’ legitimate complaints or feelings. Even when we’ve done or said something hurtful, we may be quick to deny our part in it, which can escalate conflicts and feel disheartening to the person who isn’t feeling heard.

The protective tendency to resort to anger and defensiveness keeps us safe—but sadly, we may remain safely isolated—which, in the end, is no real safety at all. According to John Gottman’s research, defensiveness is a key predictor of relationship distress. The antidote is finding the courage to take responsibility for even a small part of the issue—something that can quickly de-escalate conflict.

Our challenge—and a key to maintaining connection—is to differentiate blame from responsibility. When these two are fused, we will want no part in taking any responsibility for our actions; it’s just too painful. As I write in Love & Betrayal:

Responsibility is different from blame, which involves a hostile reproach and denigration. Unless we stop looking to blame others as a way to liberate ourselves from our sorrow and pain, we will never graduate to the work of true healing. While assigning blame may temporarily appease our searching mind by offering explanations, it cannot offer the transformation we really seek. Blame keeps us stuck in the role of a child. By taking responsibility to heal, learn, and grow, we move forward in life.

Responsibility is different from blame, which involves a hostile reproach and denigration. Unless we stop looking to blame others as a way to liberate ourselves from our sorrow and pain, we will never graduate to the work of true healing. While assigning blame may temporarily appease our searching mind by offering explanations, it cannot offer the transformation we really seek. Blame keeps us stuck in the role of a child. By taking responsibility to heal, learn, and grow, we move forward in life.

Accepting Our Human Limitations

Being human, we fall short sometimes. We say or do things that may hurt others, usually without intending to. By recognizing and accepting our human limitations, we can be more kind to ourselves when we misstep. Research on self-compassion suggests that when we hold ourselves with kindness rather than harsh self-judgment, we’re less likely to become defensive—and more able to take responsibility for how we’ve affected others.

Here are examples of some slip-ups, which often lead to defensive reactions rather than taking responsibility with dignity:

We arrive late from work, disappointing our partner

We don’t complete a chore that we promised to do

We speak impatiently when we’re tired or overwhelmed

We offer advice when someone just wants to be heard

We make assumptions instead of asking for clarification

We say “yes” when we really mean “no,” and then feel resentful

What Is Emotion Regulation?

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When we’re overtaken by shame for our missteps, we might be inclined to shift that discomfort by blaming others instead of taking responsibility. Then our inner protectors might respond in a way that escalates conflict instead of repairing broken trust:

“I got caught up at work. Give me a break! “I can’t do everything. My life is really busy.” “I hate seeing you make what I think are bad decisions. I’m just trying to help.” “Don’t be a downer. It would be good for you to get out and be with my friends.” “You make too many requests. I don’t want to upset you by saying no.”

“I got caught up at work. Give me a break!

“I can’t do everything. My life is really busy.”

“I hate seeing you make what I think are bad decisions. I’m just trying to help.”

“Don’t be a downer. It would be good for you to get out and be with my friends.”

“You make too many requests. I don’t want to upset you by saying no.”

If we can find the inner strength to take responsibility for our slips and moments of unawareness, we can respond more gracefully when we’re called out for words or behaviors that affect others.

More helpful responses might include:

“I’m really sorry I didn’t call to tell you I’d be late. I’ll do my best to let you know next time.” “I know I said I’d take care of the garden. I’m sorry I didn’t follow through; I got overwhelmed with work this week.” “I apologize for being short with you. I was really tired. It would help me to have important conversations earlier in the day.” “I realize I sometimes try to fix things instead of just listening. I’ll work on slowing down and doing better to really hear you.” “I’m sorry I assumed you’d want to meet my friends for dinner. I can see how that might have put you in an uncomfortable position.” “You’re right: I agreed to visit your family, but I wasn’t honest about how I was feeling. I was uncomfortable and afraid of disappointing you.” “I’m sorry I assumed you would want to come. I should have asked instead of deciding for you.”

“I’m really sorry I didn’t call to tell you I’d be late. I’ll do my best to let you know next time.”

“I know I said I’d take care of the garden. I’m sorry I didn’t follow through; I got overwhelmed with work this week.”

“I apologize for being short with you. I was really tired. It would help me to have important conversations earlier in the day.”

“I realize I sometimes try to fix things instead of just listening. I’ll work on slowing down and doing better to really hear you.”

“I’m sorry I assumed you’d want to meet my friends for dinner. I can see how that might have put you in an uncomfortable position.”

“You’re right: I agreed to visit your family, but I wasn’t honest about how I was feeling. I was uncomfortable and afraid of disappointing you.”

“I’m sorry I assumed you would want to come. I should have asked instead of deciding for you.”

When shame takes over, we can slip into defensiveness, which deepens disconnection. When we accept ourselves as we are—including our limitations—we’re more able to take responsibility when we’re off, opening the door to repair and reconnection. By taking responsibility with openness, humility, and dignity, we not only repair the moment, we strengthen the trust that helps our relationships thrive—and makes it easier to enjoy the richness and intimacy they can offer.

Amodeo, John. (1994). Love & Betrayal. New York: Ballantine Books.

Neff, K. (2003). Self-compassion: An alternative conceptualization of a healthy attitude toward oneself. Self and Identity, 2(2), 85–101.

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