What Is Emotion Regulation?

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Blame triggers shame and defensiveness, blocking connection and meaningful repair.

Responsibility invites openness, accountability, and trust to grow between people.

Self-kindness reduces defensiveness, making it easier to own our impact.

Small moments of ownership can quickly de-escalate conflict and restore connection.

Did you grow up being blamed for things that weren’t your fault? Or, when you did fall short, were you met with shaming criticism rather than spoken to with respect and sensitivity?

Repeated shaming criticism may be carried as a developmental trauma, overwhelming our nervous system and straining or even damaging the interpersonal bridge. As a result, we may have learned to protect ourselves against imagined threats or anticipated attacks.

When Criticism Feels Like an Attack

Perceived criticism activates our threat system. Whenever there is a hint of criticism or judgment toward us, our protective part may rush to our defense. We protest, attack, or shut down when old pain—or the prospect of such pain—is activated. As a result, we stay disconnected from ourselves—and from others.

An unintended consequence of protecting our tender heart is that we distance from people. Staying armored and defensive, we’re unable or unwilling to hear others’ legitimate complaints or feelings. Even when we’ve done or said something hurtful, we may be quick to deny our part in it, which can escalate conflicts and feel disheartening to the person who isn’t feeling heard.

The protective tendency to resort to anger and defensiveness keeps us safe—but sadly, we may remain safely isolated—which, in the end, is no real safety at all. According to John Gottman’s research, defensiveness is a key predictor of relationship distress. The antidote is finding the courage to take responsibility for even a small part of the issue—something that can quickly de-escalate conflict.

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