Practicing self-calming skills can help us manage our feelings and avoid impulsive responses.

Deep breathing, labeling feelings, and knowing your triggers are effective ways to self-calm.

The limbic system, prefrontal cortex, and vagus nerve all play a role in our emotional responses.

For many people, feelings can get intense and out of control very quickly. While our feelings are always important and meaningful, our responses to whatever provoked the feelings aren’t always responses that are in our best interests. By learning how to self-calm in the moment, you might spare yourself the unwanted consequences of acting too quickly when provoked.

The process of managing our emotional responses so that we can return to a state of calm and make our best decisions is called emotional regulation. The quickest and healthiest way to do this is by pausing and taking some deep breaths.

After deep breathing, there are a few more steps that can help us to get calmer and more centered again. This post will outline six steps and how they work.

Slowly take a deep breath, and then exhale slowly. Repeat, ideally for about two minutes.

The immediate benefits of simply focusing on your breathing are powerful. It can change the fight-or-flight response to a “stop and think” response. Diaphragmatic breathing (also called belly breathing) affects the vagus nerve in a way that leads to calming signals being sent to the cardiovascular system and the neuromuscular system.

The parasympathetic nervous system (rest and digest function) kicks in and directs the sympathetic nervous system (“fight or flight” response) to settle down.

There are various techniques or patterns of breathing that you might practice to find out which pattern works best for you. There isn’t one correct way to do deep breathing, but it is important to breathe slowly both when inhaling and exhaling.

One of the most popular ways to practice deep breathing is called box breathing. I often recommend it as a starting point because the pattern is simple: inhale to a count of four seconds, hold your breath for four seconds, and then exhale for four seconds.

It is critical to breathe into the belly, not the chest, because this engages the vagus nerve and changes the body’s response, as described earlier.

Label what you’re feeling.

Is it anger, resentment, anxiety, or disappointment? Maybe it’s two or more feelings at once.

It’s helpful to label the feeling(s) as soon as you can; this step begins to engage the rational brain (prefrontal cortex). Your intense emotional response is likely due to the emotional brain (limbic system) firing impulses too quickly and not giving time for the rational part of the brain to make sense of them. Therein lies the risk of responding too quickly, possibly leading to regret later.

In a real emergency, the rational brain recognizes that there is a true threat to your safety and directs you to take quick action. This can be critical for your survival in some circumstances. However, in a moment when the threat is primarily emotional, your advantage lies in recognizing the emotion and then deciding what to do about it.

For many people, identifying the emotion is no simple task. You might need to learn how to recognize your emotions by paying attention to any changes in your heart rate, breathing rate, muscle tension, or perspiration. An increase in any of these responses, when physically at rest, is likely a sign of an emotional response. (Of course, it’s important to consider any pre-existing medical condition you might have.)

Splash some cold water on your face.

If you’re not having much success with Step 2, you might try this very quick and easy reset for your nervous system. Cold water splashed on the face stimulates the trigeminal nerve, which signals the vagus nerve to prompt the “rest and digest” mode. This provides some immediate relief from intense anxiety, although it is short-term relief.

The sudden cold also triggers more alertness, giving the rational brain a chance to catch up with the intense response of the emotional brain.

Tips for special conditions:

Those who have a serious heart condition or arrhythmia should check with their doctor before trying this. An abnormal heart rhythm can be triggered by the sudden temperature change.

Those with an autism spectrum disorder should consider their own sensitivity to water temperature. The shock of cold water may be distressing instead of calming to some individuals with ASD.

Take a walk for at least 10 minutes.

Research has shown that just 10 minutes of physical activity prompts the release of the neurotransmitter GABA, which has a natural calming effect on the body.

Think about what triggered your emotions.

What was I doing just before this happened? Was I feeling calm before this? Who else was present, and did they say or do anything that might have triggered me?

If you practice this step soon after each time you’re triggered, it becomes easier to identify the triggering event within a minute or two. When you identify the sights, sounds, or other sensations that triggered your emotional response, you have begun to assess the situation more rationally.

In most cases, you may decide that there is no real threat to your well-being. You are empowered to make the best choice of how to respond.

Tips for special conditions:

For those coping with PTSD, the intensity of the response might require additional steps. These often include grounding techniques, affirmations of safety, noting that the situation will pass, and/or physically moving to a space that feels safe.

As soon as possible, reframe the event and shift focus.

There may be a moment when you’ve calmed your nervous system, identified what you feel, and given yourself a chance to think about the trigger for your emotions. At that point, maybe you get caught up in overthinking about the whole situation. Ruminating about what was said or done is probably maintaining your focus on an incident that you have no immediate control over.

Reframing involves asking yourself if there’s another way to look at what happened. When you open your mind to another perspective, it can become easier to let go of assumptions about other people’s behavior. Since many instances of emotional dysregulation are provoked by a relationship, the thoughts you hold onto about their behavior can hugely affect your own recovery of a calm mind.

Reframing might look like: “They didn’t hear me because they’re stressed by something else,” or “I’ll be OK whether they agree with me or not.” When reframing the situation, your feelings are still seen as meaningful and important. They usually become less intense and easier to manage.

Lily Tomlin, known for her witty comments about stress and human nature, summed it up nicely:

"For fast-acting relief, try slowing down."

© Psychology Today