Most parents love their children deeply. That is rarely in question.

What I see again and again in my clinical work is not a lack of love, but a deep uncertainty about how to use that love when behaviour becomes challenging.

Many parents believe that if they love more, explain more, soften their tone, or show greater understanding during difficult moments, their child will eventually behave better. This belief is entirely understandable. It comes from care, empathy, and an innate desire to be a supportive, loving parent.

The difficulty is that parents often expect their child to cognitively understand their expectations, even when the child lacks the developmental understanding to do so. The unspoken equation tends to look like this:

My child is distressed love, support, and care = a calm, happy child.

But that is not how it works.

When a child is distressed and in the throes of behavioural difficulties, what they need is not love instead of guidance, but a parent who can offer unconditional love and facilitation at the same time. Facilitation means understanding that every........

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