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Resilience is not a static character trait, but a set of skills that is cultivated and developed over time.

Resilience doesn’t emerge out of comfort or ease.

Scientists view a "failed" experiment as data, not the end. What if we adopted this mindset for our pursuits?

"Failure Is Not an Option." –Apollo 13

"Failure Is Not an Option." –Apollo 13

Resilience has been a hot topic for years now—Brené Brown, Angela Duckworth, and Cheryl Sandberg, among others, have offered their perspectives on how to develop mindsets, behaviors, and systems to survive and even grow from our setbacks. The overarching message is that resilience is not a static character trait, but rather a set of skills that can be cultivated and developed over time. It’s important to note that in order to develop resilience, we must encounter difficulties in whatever form. Resilience doesn’t emerge out of comfort or ease. Fortunately or not, life is good at handing us struggles, both big and small. None of us is immune from the bumps of life, even if we try to inoculate ourselves.

Struggles, mistakes, failures, closed doors: It’s not the fact that we will encounter troubles, it’s how we choose to respond and move forward.

My experience in working with athletes and other high performers suggests that while we like the concept of resilience, we resist doing the work necessary to build it. True adaptability, grit, and stick-with-it-ness only comes with practice, and that practice comes when we fail, stumble, or hit a road block.

Here’s an example: a client of mine is an excellent athlete and top-notch student. She’s smart, capable, and is aiming to compete in college. As practiced, disciplined, and experienced as she is, a mistake during a performance can disrupt her rhythm such that her whole performance suffers. She can’t bear the fact that she’s not perfect, and has an overly emotional response to a mistake. When something goes wrong she feels "it’s over"; her performance becomes rigid rather than improves, and she stays stuck in the mindset of failure for hours, or even days. I can suggest that she adopt a growth mindset over a fixed one (see Mindset: The New Psychology of Success by Carol Dweck, Ph.D.), but she will insist that she is “behind,” and “just doesn’t have what it takes.” Her shame kicks in, and she ruminates on the idea "that she will never succeed." Her self-esteem rests precariously on the need for everything to go according to plan.

While this example might seem dramatic, I can tell you from my experience in the office that it is not. I see more and more young women who are fixated on the idea of perfection (perfect grades, perfect scores, perfect performances) rather than growth. In part fueled by the unreality of social media, these young women seem to think that everything goes swimmingly for everyone but themselves. Of course, this is untrue. No one posts about the hours and hours of practice, or about their mistakes, or their struggles. Instead, we see a glorification of perfection, rather than an appreciation of hard work, learning, and the reality of the thousands of hours it takes to be good at anything.

A scientist knows that there is no such thing as a "failed" experiment: if it didn’t go as predicted, it’s just more data. What does the scientist do in this situation? She reexamines assumptions, changes the variables, keeps asking her questions, and carries on.

What if we could view life, and our adventures within it, through this lens? What if we could embody the idea that we are constantly evolving, seeking to improve—that there isn’t an endpoint but rather a journey? What if we were unafraid of "mistakes"? What if they didn’t even exist but rather viewed them— the "perceived mistakes"—as data instead? If there were no failure but rather more information, then we would be much more objective and less emotional in the pursuit of our goals. We would vastly reduce the shame of that "failure" brings on, and we might more eagerly lean into trying again with perhaps a change of variable.

What if we "refused to lose"?

–John Calipari, Refuse to Lose

Resilience starts with an attitude, a big-picture idea. Want to start building yours? I suggest that you become a scientist working on a life long project (yourself), and adopt the mindset that there is no loss, only data. Whatever mistakes you make, bumps or unexpected twists and turns you encounter, make it your intention to learn, grow and be hopelessly solution-oriented.

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Dweck, Carol S. (2006). Mindset: The New Psychology of Success. New York, NY: Random House, Inc.

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