Super Bowl bets: Put your money on these 6 things. Trust me. |
With the joyous arrival of Super Bowl LX – which I’m told translates from Roman to “Super Bowl 60” – readers the world over are again turning to me for sure-thing prognostications and sound ways to wager.
As most of you know, I’m a 12-time Super Bowl watcher with eight rings, each from atop frosted cupcakes purchased for the big-game party. My NFL predictions, to the best of my knowledge, have never been wrong, as I do not believe in criticism and delete all angry emails without reading them.
My Super Bowl picks have been called “probably safer than Bitcoin, maybe” and “a small tick above setting money on fire.”
So with that, let’s get to my ironclad forecasts as the Seattle Superb-hawks take on the New England Patriots in America’s favorite mix of capitalism and violence – the Super Bowl.
I have it on good authority that this year’s game at Levi’s Stadium in Santa Clara, California, will involve literally dozens of large human men racing around a field after a ball that – in a real twist from one’s standard sense of “ball” – is oblong, more an air-filled egg than a spherical bouncy........