It's Christmas Eve, and it's also my birthday, which is awesome – it's the best day of the year to have a birthday. Merry Christmas! Everybody loves Christmas, except pinkos, race hustlers, communists, criminals, and perverts – you know, Democrats. US normal people enjoying this wonderful holiday, and thereby making them mad, make the holiday even more special. Christmas is about giving. God gave us His Son to be our Savior, and in recognition, we give gifts to each other. Everybody remembers how exciting Christmas morning was as kids, unless you're one of those weirdos who opened presents on Christmas Eve, which I don't understand, but whatever. Well, Christmas is for adults, too, and, more specifically, for conservatives. That's right. You shouldn't forget conservatives at Christmas time, and here are some gift suggestions for what the conservative in your life really wants and needs:

1. To Never Hear About Candace Owens Again: That's right, millions of conservatives are dreaming of going down to their stockings and finding Candace Owens and her mind-numbing idiocies absent. I don't want to deplatform her or anyone else; I just never want to hear about her again. I always thought there was something off about her, and now it's become clear that what's off about her is her complete lack of a conscience and her amazing gift for cynical grifting. Look, I'm not one of those people who denounce on command. If you have a beef with somebody, that's your beef – I'll say what I want when I want or I'll say nothing if I choose. But I choose to say that Candace Owens and her weird antisemitic nonsense, combined with her grotesque cruelty toward those who loved Charlie Kirk, make her a bad person, and she should go away. Do you want to make me happy this Christmas? Make it so I never have to hear from her again.

2. To Never Hear About the Epstein Files Again, Either:........

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