A Mother’s Journey through Grief: A Pathway to Healing |
I am a survivor of adult child loss. Thirteen years ago, in July of 2012 I first learned, in the most devastating way possible, that my son suffered from a severe mental illness: I found him dying from a self-inflicted wound. When Jonathan returned home from the hospital after surviving this first suicide attempt, he asked me, “What would you have done if I had died?” Without hesitation, I replied, “I would have laid down in my bed and asked God to please take me too, right then.” His expression shifted from surprise to sadness. “Maybe,” I remember thinking afterwards, “if he knows the depth of my pain at losing him, it will somehow keep him from ever again attempting to kill himself.” But I did not understand the intensity of his suffering. In those moments nothing could penetrate his anguish – no other thought, feeling, or concern for any other person could enter his mind. He believed that we would be better off without him. He was clearly incapable of considering anyone or anything besides ending his own pain. And, while we strove mightily in the months following Jonathan’s suicide attempt, both to help him heal and to protect him from his suicidal urges, we lost our battle in December of that year – a mere five months later. Jonathan died at 21 and while already forced to confront overwhelming trauma, I began a journey of overwhelming grief.
My response to his question posed after his initial attempt had been sincere. I could not imagine surviving his death. Indeed, during the initial aftermath, the intensity of my emotional pain was so profound and all-encompassing that I truly felt as though my body could not bear the devastating level of pain and would give out. Unable to withstand the burden of this loss, my heart would simply stop beating. Yet, there I was, after his death, sitting shiva, still breathing, and my heart still beating. I was living through something I once thought impossible, albeit in a state of indomitable sadness. Everything –........