When Niceness Is Not Enough |
Jews like to joke that wherever there are two Jews, there are three opinions. We tell the joke proudly. Disagreement, we believe, is one of our great strengths.
But I am beginning to wonder whether we are better at celebrating disagreement than actually living with it.
We admire disagreement when it appears safely on a page of Talmud, between rabbis who died centuries ago. It becomes harder when the person sitting beside us at Kiddush says something about Israel, Gaza, Trump, or antisemitism that we find deeply wrong.
Then two Jews with three opinions sometimes leave with one less relationship.
The problem is not that we disagree. The problem is that many of our relationships were built on niceness, and niceness is not strong enough to hold serious disagreement.
We often use “nice” and “kind” as though they mean the same thing. They do not.
Niceness tries to keep an interaction smooth. I will avoid making you uncomfortable, and you will do the same for me. This works reasonably well when the stakes are low and everyone mostly agrees.
But niceness is fragile. Kindness can survive tension.
The Jewish word chesed is usually translated as kindness or lovingkindness. But chesed is more than warmth. It is a commitment to another person’s well-being. Sometimes that commitment feels gentle. Sometimes it........