Last month, the tech startup Orchid introduced its personal AI assistant to the world. The launch video has been viewed over 27 million times on X. It begins with a young couple. A jaunty instrumental version of ‘Valerie’ plays in the background to remind the viewer that Orchid is completely normal and not the by-product of an unrelenting cacotopia. The hapless boyfriend, Sam, has forgotten their anniversary. What a loveable klutz! The girlfriend — who isn’t afforded a name — texts Orchid, the couple’s incorporeal personal assistant, to ‘fix’ the situation. ‘Wayyyyyy ahead of you,’ replies the amoral software masquerading as a gal pal. ‘If this works, he owes me dinner too.’  

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Except he doesn’t, Orchid, because you aren’t a real person. You aren’t alive. You don’t have a body. You can’t eat food. The best you can do is consume water indirectly via the cooling system of an AI data centre. But forget about the semantics. ‘Valerie’ is playing. You love this song. You’re having fun. Everything is normal. Everyone should want a thruple with a wisecracking AI personal assistant that ‘lives’ inside their messages. The nightmare continues. Orchid sassily reminds Sam of their anniversary. ‘Ok. Ok,’ he types. ‘I can do this.’ 

‘You can’t. That’s why I’m here,’ replies Orchid. This is where the HAL-9000 alarm bells would normally start ringing, but Orchid types in lowercase, and ‘Valerie’ is still playing. Orchid books a restaurant on Sam’s behalf. The advert then reaches its tone-deaf conclusion with a tactlessness that only Silicon Valley could find palatable.  

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