I had always been interested in politics but had not done anything practical until the rise of Nigel Farage’s Ukip. He was proving a thorn in the side of David Cameron in 2013, which attracted my admiring attention, so I decided to try and get involved. Despite having done my bit for European unity by fathering a half-French daughter and a half-Austrian son, I had always been fundamentally hostile to the EU – an artificial and undemocratic structure inimical to British interests and traditions – so it seemed obvious that Ukip was the party for me.
A large poster of me was defaced with a Hitler moustache – an episode I found deeply humiliating
I was summoned to a hotel in Gillingham, Kent, for a test to see if I was suitable for the approved list of Ukip candidates. The test consisted of a quiz to explore my political knowledge, and me making an impromptu pitch explaining why I would be an exemplary candidate. I fielded a trick question designed to test my fealty to Farage himself. Q: ‘Isn’t he inclined to fall out with those around him?’ A: ‘Yes, but as Churchill said “He who has no enemies hasn’t lived”.’ And that was about it: Bingo! I was in. (I later discovered that this quote is attributed to Oscar Wilde rather than Churchill, but Winston’s name is sacred to Ukippers, and I doubt that Oscar would have had the same sort of resonance).
A few days later I was told that I was on the list, and invited to a candidates’ selection meeting at Eastleigh in Hampshire, where a parliamentary by-election was pending, following the conviction of the sitting Lib Dem MP Chris Huhne for perverting the course of justice over a speeding offence. The meeting was decidedly democratic as it was open to any Eastleigh residents to turn up and help choose their prospective Ukip MP.
About 30 people did so, and listened to speeches from four of us hopefuls, who included Diane James, a future party leader, and Ray Finch, who had stood for the seat previously. Against such experienced rivals I thought I stood no chance, but dutifully gave my spiel anyway. I guessed that my chances had marginally improved when the fourth candidate, a political newbie like me named Iain Mckie, stood up, suffered a sudden attack of stage fright, and was temporarily lost for words, emitting a loud ‘oh, bugger!’
After the speeches, we were all ushered into a side room to await our fate while the public voted. Two of us were to be selected, with the final........