In loco filiorum / Britain's obsession with dogs is unhealthy |
‘Puppiccino or hot dogolate, Bertie? Or will you try our special Christmas blend?’ The barista leaned across the counter, eyes fixed not on the man holding the lead but on the immaculately groomed corgi at his feet. For a moment, I wondered if this was a case of exceptionally poor diction and misplaced attention. Surely Bertie was the human member of the pair – the one capable of vocalising a preference? But no. Bertie’s tail wagged decisively. His companion – in another era known as the owner – translated boldly: ‘Bertie would like the Christmas blend, please.’
British coffee shops have long catered to a diverse clientele: caffeine addicts, closet sugar junkies (‘frappuccino with extra syrup and cream – no espresso’), ethical purists (‘five pounds for a cup of tea? Oh – organic leaves and sustainably sourced?! I’ll take a whole pot!’), and aficionados of alternative milks. Extending hospitality to dogs may have been the logical next step, but while it once felt like a novelty, it is now inescapable. Bertie is not unusual. He is a member of one of Britain’s fastest-growing demographic groups: canes in loco filiorum – dogs as substitutes for children.
In Britain’s case, dogs commandeer attention once devoted to raising the next generation
The numbers are striking. The UK now has over 11 million dogs, up three million in 15 years, with nearly a third of adults owning one, according to the 2025 PDSA PAW Report. Fertility rates, by contrast, have sunk to historic lows: around 1.4 children per woman in England and Wales, 1.25 in Scotland – well below population replacement level. Put plainly: fewer babies, more cockapoos. Some estimates suggest that roughly 7.5 million children under the age of ten live in the UK........