RITTNER: A humble address to the reader: On the vast and comical differences betwixt the Year of Our Lord 1776 and this ridiculous Anno Domini 2025 |
Most esteemed Sir or Madam (or, as ye now say, “non-binary gentleperson”).
When I, a humble quill-driver of the eighteenth century, am forcibly resurrected by the necromancy to contemplate the state of mankind in the year 2025, I am compelled to laugh so violently that my wooden dentures shoot across the room like musket balls at Concord.
Let us begin with the simple act of rising in the morning. In my day, one was awakened by the crowing of a rooster, the lowing of cattle, or, should one be a gentleman of leisure, by a servant flinging open the curtains whilst apologizing for the existence of sunlight. Today? You are roused by a glowing rectangle that screams “SNOOZE” in a tone more passive-aggressive than a British tax collector.
Nine minutes later, it screams again, as though personally offended by your continued slumber. I tried to smash one such device with my silver-headed cane; it merely displayed a crack shaped like a spider and then asked if I wished to buy “screen insurance.” The devil, clearly, has rebranded.
Communication, too, has descended into farce. In 1776, if Mr. Jefferson wished to inform me that the Declaration required another edit, he dispatched a rider on horseback who arrived three days later covered in mud and smallpox scars. Today, you send a message........