Tom Kelly: A plumber is exactly what parliament needs right now

THERE’S no spinning or sugar-coating the election result in Gorton and Denton.

The Green Party had a stunning result. Labour were squeezed into third spot by an odious Reform candidate.

Despite the fact that mid-term government parties tend not to fare well in by-elections, the Labour Party will be devastated – not least because the result has the hands of Number 10 all over it.

If Morgan McSweeney, the prime minister’s former chief of staff, had not already resigned over his calamitous reign, he would almost certainly be packing his bags this morning.

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If you are living in the north, unionist or nationalist, and taking comfort in Keir Starmer getting a very bloody nose, reflect for a moment what the alternative political world in the UK might look like in the future. It won’t be pretty.

Some unionists seem to think a Reform-led government would strengthen the union.

It won’t, because Nigel Farage and his barrow boys do not give a fig about Northern Ireland.

Reform would look at the subvention figures and buy support with the dosh.

Any assets the north has in its threadbare cupboard would be raided, privatised, and sold off.

Some nationalists glow at the prospect of links with Westminster falling off a cliff. They believe it will hasten Irish unity.

They could be right, but it won’t be quick and it will be ugly.

Unfortunately, the political turmoil could lead to frustration within loyalism to the degree it could easily turn to civil unrest being fast-tracked onto our streets.

Remember, loyalists have had no qualms in committing treason, as they did in 1912 and 1974.

Running a government isn’t easy. It carries huge responsibilities and tough decisions have to be taken.

Being in opposition in Westminster or the Dáil is a luxurious position when governments get it wrong. It’s also a bit of a fool’s paradise, as it can indulge in brick-throwing rather than brick-building.

Starmer is in the last chance saloon. The forthcoming devolved elections in Scotland and Wales, along with the English local government polls, are just weeks away. They now hang like the Sword of Damocles above the prime minister’s head.

The single hair from which it’s hanging is the lack of a credible alternative to the beleaguered incumbent.

Despite the pre-election braggadocio of Farage and his candidate and the tantrum tears and unsubstantiated claims of foul play post-result, Reform has learned a hard lesson.

The UK isn’t the USA, and the pathway to power can be easily blocked by tactical voting by savvy voters.

The Labour strategy (if that’s what it is) for tackling the threat from Reform is frankly bonkers.

Backroom number-crunchers and pollsters can do all the playing about with modelling they want, but voters want good, efficient, responsible, stable, consistent, and compassionate government.

What they are getting is a cocktail of appalling political and personal judgement, cock-ups, lack of cohesion, arrogance, and weekly lurches from one calamity to another.

If this was a movie, it would be a splice between The Cannonball Run and Death Race 2000!

Labour needs to wake up and smell the coffee. It needs to be bold and brave. Mimicking Reform messages only elevates and amplifies the toxic myth pedalling xenophobia and racism of the right.

Reform is a collection of re-hashed, incompetent Tory wannabes, opportunists and spivs out to make a buck at the public’s expense.

If you think any government has a hand in your trouser pocket now, a Reform government would have both hands in there and then sell you back your own trousers.

Labour can’t afford to haemorrhage their voters on the left – either to the Greens or the Lib Dems.

The Green leader, Zack Polanski, is rightly proud of his party’s win, but he’s also getting a bit high on the hyperbole, claiming no seat is beyond the Green reach.

The first-past-the-post system is incredibly difficult to crack from the sidelines.

Further success isn’t guaranteed when it comes to a general election, as manifestos come under much greater scrutiny.

It’s one thing to give a sitting government with a massive parliamentary majority a black eye in a by-election. It’s entirely another when voting on much bigger stakes, such as the stewardship of the economy.

Plus, Polanski faces the not-so-easy task of finding himself a parliamentary seat.

The Lib Dems have a long history of winning stunning by-elections, which often suggested they were on the cusp of the Promised Land – only to discover the rainbow didn’t lead to Westminster at a general election.

There’s no inevitability of Reform forming a government, especially the more their benches are stacked with Tory rejects.

Voters are looking for the change Labour promised. It won’t come from Reform.

An aside from the by-election, which was amusing: the emperor with no clothes, Ben Habib, had the humiliation of seeing his Advance UK being beaten by the Monster Raving Loony Party.

To the victor, the spoils – Hannah Spencer of the Green Party.

There’s something appropriate about sending a plumber to parliament right now, because there’s definitely a fatberg in the system.

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