DEAR Patrick

I hope you don’t mind me dispensing with the honorific – we live now in more egalitarian times (or so we think).

I had thought ‘Paddy’ might do, but it’s a bit too familiar and in some parts it’s still used as a term of abuse. So Patrick it is.

The ‘saint’ thing is interesting. I know you were never canonised – maybe Leo XIV could do something about that when he gets time.

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But you were obviously considered to be decent sort in your time and the people elevated you to the ranks of the holy ones.

I could say your sainthood was the fifth century equivalent of winning The X Factor.

But that might be deemed offensive – though I’m sure you’ve a great pair of lungs, and ‘Christ Be Beside Me” is a catchy little tune.

Are you coming here to celebrate your saint’s day this year? I ask only because I know that you are also the patron saint of Nigeria and it’s a bit warmer there right now.

Do you have any say in the countries you get to be patron of? And how did you cope with two civil wars at the same time?

Our Troubles were bad, but the Nigeria-Biafra thing was at a whole different level.

I know Nigeria still has its problems, but we could do with you here right now. Things are going a bit pear-shaped, to be honest.

Be careful if you do decide to get the boat from Holyhead. Migrants are having a bit of a difficult time right now, south and north – even those migrants who have had a difficult past and experienced slavery and the like.

It doesn’t seem to matter to the hoods if a migrant is making a net positive contribution to the island – and the vast majority are (I know you put in the hours when you were working here.)

In spite of that, migrants are vilified and othered. So much for Christian values, eh.

Post-Brexit (you know about that, I’m sure) things are worse. The populists are on the march.

At least, as a Brit, you’re in the free travel zone and don’t need a passport to get in.

If you wanted to get an Irish one, you could ask the taoiseach. But I’m afraid he’s bunked off again to America. It must be the duty free he’s after.

I don’t know why he doesn’t want to celebrate his country’s saint’s day at home. The prospect of kneeling before the Giant Orange Man-Baby certainly doesn’t appeal to me – particularly now that he has declared war on most of the world.

To be honest, I wouldn’t be seen dead with him, even if he was dressed up like Darby O’Gill and singing “How are Things in Glocca Morra?”

You could ask the president for an Irish passport, I suppose. But I don’t think she believes in you.

Try your shamrock/trinity thing on her, if you like. But she’s going to be more impressed if you’re good at ‘keepie-uppies’.

Talking of uppies, up north, as you know, we’ve two of everything – but only one Lough Neagh (I’m going to come to that).

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But I’m sure Michelle O’Neill would find time for you (with her fake tan allergy, she’s avoiding the White House this year).

You could have a word in Michelle’s ear about the current state of Lough Neagh.

It’s dire, an ecological disaster and a public health crisis in the making.

At the weekend we learned that scientists had detected genes which could generate antibiotic-resistant superbugs in its waters.

Every year now the lough turns shamrock green (Pantone PQ-15-6432TCX) with harmful algae.

Our politicians have successfully blamed the English aristocracy for the lough’s fate. But the truth is closer to home – let’s call it dung (a more appropriate word is a bit to crude for a family newspaper).

Millions of tons of human and animal waste are poured into the lough’s waters every year.

The DUP says its good Protestant dung and won’t do anything about it. Equally in hoc to the farming lobby, Sinn Féin is afraid to challenge the source of Catholic dung.

Between the two of them, we’re up to our necks in s***.

So, Patrick, priority number one: the lough. For a man who can deal with snakes, getting to grips with members of the Northern Ireland Assembly and the Executive should be a doddle.

If they don’t listen to sense, quit. I’m sure the Nigerians would welcome a full-time patron saint.

Anyway, enjoy your day. I have to prep my bacon ribs and cabbage.

What time’s Mass?

With best wishes, Tom.

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