It’s been three weeks since the government advisory urging us to start stockpiling in case of emergency – how’s your prep coming along? The Prepare campaign, backed by Wes Streeting, who one imagines gliding through the apocalypse, quiff undisturbed, listed nine essential items, among them wet wipes, first-aid kits and batteries. The World Health Organization, meanwhile, suggests budgeting for 15 litres of water per person per day, so a family of four will need to store upwards of 180 litres to cover the recommended period of three days. The chances of this actually happening seem to me, intuitively, to be considerably lower than the disaster they’re supposed to forestall. But hope springs, so let’s see.

The first step towards stockpiling is stocktaking. This is where I’m at: one mega-torch (uncharged), which I bought in prepper mode after surviving the terrifying New York blackout of 2019 when for about an hour we couldn’t charge our phones; lots of very large sticking plasters and a handful of small round ones, the normal sizes having long been used up; two cans of tuna, which will go down to one after lunch; two litres of sparkling water, so for the first hour or so after a nuclear strike,........

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