Mark, a queer man in his mid 30s, has been seeing me fortnightly for a few months now. I have learned that Mark loves his work and lives with his loving partner in a home they love, on a street they love, with a dog they love.

I have also learned that Mark believes he is unloveable.

Chloe, a student in her early 20s, is a first-generation Indian Australian. She has just started a law degree, on a full scholarship she received after achieving the highest grades ever at her regional high school. In a few sessions with Chloe, I have learned that she volunteers a few nights a week at a local youth centre, cares for her elderly mother and is always the one her friends come to for help.

I have also learned that Chloe believes she is not enough.

While guilt can be viewed as an emotion that tells us we have done something bad, shame tells us there is a core part of us that is bad, and we must do everything we can to hide that part of us.

This is why shame work can be so powerful, as it is not a process of self-care, but self-acceptance. You can’t self-care your way out of shame.

Both Mark and Chloe grew up in a world that taught them there was something wrong with who they were. For Mark, this looked like homophobia at school and a family that was not accepting of his homosexuality. For Chloe, it came in the form of racism, with her........

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