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This Week In Weird Twitter, Volume 132

1 35 6

Generally speaking, wooden legs aren’t sentient. They just exist, which is increasingly rare since their complete lack of flexibility has made them less popular than all alternatives except for pegs. Nevertheless, even though they’re hard to find, much like a good man, they can still be found.

Albert, the hero of our story, never set out to be a sentient wooden leg. He never even set out to be sentient. Heck, he never even planned on becoming a leg. Back when he was a tree, he had loftier dreams, like being a board used in a loft. When feeling adventurous, he thought he’d become an oar. When fancy, he thought about being an armoire. He didn’t know what an armoire was, but he liked the sound of it.

He did know what a station wagon was. Though faux wood paneling had gone out of style and was faux to begin with, he yearned for a day when station wagons again sported it, only real. Being wood, he wasn’t great at physics and didn’t understand how much weight that would add and how much that would negatively affect fuel economy.

Not that it mattered. For though Albert was destined for locomotion, he was not destined to bring back the family truckster. As Bob Ross would say when discussing happy little trees, that he ended up a leg instead of paneling was a happy accident.

It all started when Albert was stolen from a barn one evening. Though he escaped, he chose not to go home and instead decided to just travel the earth and get into adventures, like Caine from “Kung Fu.” A car pulled up and Albert got inside.

About to make friends with this guy who just pulled up in an El Camino.

— Skillingthemsoftly⏯️ (@Skillingthemso1) February 26, 2020

The driver asked Albert what he was after. He dropped him off soon after Albert answered.

I just want to be as carefree as serial killers were in the 70's.

— E~ville (@E_Ville13) January 9, 2020

Though the driver did have parting words for Albert before he sped away.

My code name is 'Boris'.

— Benny 'el capitan' Rollins (@citizenkawala) February 21, 2020

Albert walked along, wondering what his code name would be, before spotting a barn. Figuring that barns were good luck for him, he headed inside. There, he found a guy on a couch. He was playing a game and Albert joined him, though his lack of interpersonal skills continued to be a problem.

That’s where we differ, Steve. I’m not playing Mario Kart to win, I’m playing to cause chaos.

— Bummer T. Vibes, Esq (@VibesBummer) February 14, 2020

That’s when couch guy attempted to throw him in the fire barrel. Albert was unperturbed, however, as he knew it was but an attempt to give him a flesh wound.

watching a woodlouse trying to climb out of the sink.

think you've got problems buddy?

— haze (@hazelsheart15) February 23, 2020

He was also crafty and quickly engineered an escape.

*draws a hole for you to fall into with Harold's purple crayon*

— [brittany's⛄salty name]........

© The Federalist