The lonely life of the disruptor in chief |
Exclusive extracts from the diary of a disillusioned White House resident ...
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Monday: Could not sleep so re-read my favourite philosopher, the French Renaissance essayist, Michel de Montaigne. Struck again by his insights on vanity and how the "cocksure" always speak loudly to disguise their deep-seated insecurities. Wrote Montaigne: "He who establishes his argument by noise and command shows that his reason is weak". Exquisite perception. I composed a tweet referencing his genius. Staff reissued it thus: "As YOUR president be ASSURED I will never second-guess myself! Thank you for your attention to this matter!"
My despair grows. I am surrounded by idiots.
Tuesday: Cooked alone. Sea bass, gently cured, softly massaged with fennel pollen and finished with a Beurre Blanc and a delicate squeeze of lemon. The trick is restraint. Too much butter can overwhelm the fish: a common amateur error. Plated carefully. Ate slowly. This is true eating, unlike the foul cheeseburgers staff force on me to keep up appearances. I'm tired of their political theatrics and yearn for the day when I can finally reveal my true self. Shakespeare said the world is a stage, that a man can play many parts.
But will the opportunity to portray my authentic self forever elude me? Sadness engulfs me.
Wednesday: Planned to open cabinet meeting with a reading of Percy Shelley's Ozymandias, his searingly insightful poem about the hubris of leaders and their inevitable decline. Advisers were horrified. Compromised instead by playing episode 21 of the sixth season of The Flintstones, where Fred is magically promoted to a managerial role at the rock quarry and his new status goes to his head, greatly annoying Barney. Vice president was so inspired he recommended national screenings of The Jetsons to outline our vision for the future.
Dunderheads, everywhere.
Thursday: Anxiety clings to me like a damp shirt. The West Wing windows are sheathed in a funereal glaze of ice as a storm of biblical intensity batters the nation. In the southern hemisphere record heat bakes the earth. Polar caps continue melting. Clearly the scientists are right. But in a world deafened by shouting, who listens anymore? I penned a calmly worded tweet calling for an immediate reduction in harmful emissions to protect our children's future. I prayed this message would survive unchanged. Staff reissued it as: "So much for leftist claims of GLOBAL WARMING! I'm freezing my ass off here! Take an axe to every tree so we can keep the home fires BURNING!!!"
God help me. As Camus observed: "Stupidity has a knack of getting its way."
Friday: Another restless night. Even adopting the Tibetan position of The Sleeping Lion - lying on one's right side as the Buddha did when he passed away........