It’s the end of fiscal year 2025, that magical time of year when all the human resources elves descend from their C-suite offices to assess workplace successes and failures. (It’s never easy to categorize throwing millions of Americans off their healthcare plans, after all.) What does that look like at the Trump White House? And, scene:

Hi everybody, come on in. Take a seat wherever, but please don’t lean against that gold leaf on the walls—the spray paint rubs off. I know how busy you all are, so I’ll try to make this as quick and painless as possible.

Kash, if you could stop tweeting for a sec? Thanks.

Ok, so. The president has asked me to come over from HR to give everybody their year-end performance review… Stephen? Stephen, I see you’re pulling wings off a fly, so I’m not sure you’re listening. You say you don’t have to because you’re the president’s special boy? I understand, but I really do need to get this done. If you could just put down the fly… or you could swallow it, I suppose. Great.

Well. As you all know, it’s been a very busy year, and I know the president is very grateful for all the hours you’ve put in. Kristi alone has done more photo ops in more outfits than all of her Homeland Security predecessors combined, and we commend her efforts. The nation is safer—from the threat posed by, um,

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