Kids learn to bully from adults’ threats, manipulation and criticism – a child psychologist explains how parents can model better tactics |
“Do what I say, or you’re not invited to my birthday party!”
“I’m not going to be your partner on the project unless you give me the treat from your lunch!”
These kinds of threats are tactics many school-age kids use to solve conflicts. Parents and teachers sometimes assume these common threats are basically harmless.
After all, are they so different from comments kids might hear from grown-ups in their lives? It’s a small step from “Daddy better get you to school on time or Mommy is going to be angry with him!” to “If you don’t give me that toy you won’t be my best friend anymore!”
The adult and the kid versions are both signs of bullying behavior. I’m a child psychologist, and I know that kids imitate the behaviors they observe at home. Bullying is tied to poor outcomes not only for the child who is bullied but for the bullies themselves, who run a higher risk than their peers of experiencing depression when they become teens. Youth who are bullies also are more likely to engage in aggressive and rule-breaking behavior, have substance use problems and hang out with other adolescents who share these tendencies.
The good news is that parents can change the ways they handle their own conflicts to demonstrate for children how to use healthier and more positive ways to interact with others.
Getting people to do what you want
Across cultures, regardless of temperament, most children act with two goals in mind: to get or do things they want and to avoid things that they don’t want.
Kids want things like hugs and affection, praise, cool toys, yummy food and treats. They........