BDSM: A Beginner’s Guide to Consensual Erotic Violence |
If your New Year’s resolution is to expand your sexual horizons in 2026, then BDSM may be for you.
Perhaps streaming the steamy hit romance Heated Rivalry on HBO has piqued your interest in exploring the subtle sub/dom dynamic of hockey babes Shane Hollander and Ilya Rozanov. Maybe you’ve been reading a romantasy like Sarah J. Maas’ A Court of Thorns and Roses series—with its explicit scenes of abduction and rough sex—and feeling naughty.
Human sexuality has long included elements of physical aggression and consensual erotic violence.
“No human society has been found in which violence is absent from sexual relations,” writes psychoanalyst Darian Leader in his book Is It Ever Just Sex?
Citing several foundational surveys on human sexuality across cultures, Leader concludes: “The word ‘force’ is the single most common verb to describe sexual acts.” Even the ancient Hindu text the Kama Sutra describes several forms of erotic violence.
All this consensual violence and roleplay can sound ingriguing—and intimidating. So I’ve compiled a handy guide to BDSM for beginners, based on expert advice and my own experiences.
Many people associate kink and BDSM with taboo—as some kind of maladaptive response to trauma. But that’s not necessarily the case, said Nora Gross, a licensed therapist in California who studied BDSM and kink in graduate school.
Full disclosure: Gross is my friend. She’s also an expert on this subject, so I called her to gain some insight on why people get into violent sex in the first place.
“First of all, there doesn’t have to be a dark origin story,” Gross told me. “You can like what you like and it doesn’t necessarily mean you experienced something traumatic.”
In other words, it’s OK to want to add something new into your sex life. To figure out what might meet that need, Gross suggested getting started by “microdosing” kinky, sex-positive creators online.
Lina Dune is one such sexpert. The creator of Ask A Sub—a podcast, newsletter, and Discord community—suggests wading into BDSM slowly. As you trawl forums, watch videos, listen to stories, tune in to your body. Is something giving you a tingle or a tummy ache?
“You don’t need to be an expert on every single facet........