How Psychopaths Use the 'Pity Play' |
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Be on guard if someone, especially a woman, tries to make you feel sorry for her. This may be a predatory ploy of a psychopath in disguise. The female psychopath is a master at invoking pity. As psychologist Martha Stout aptly says in her book, The Sociopath Next Door, “Beware of the pity play."1
Psychopaths seduce others with the “pity play”
Of course, there are truly people who deserve our pity. Unlike them, psychopaths play the pity game to further their own selfish interests. The psychopath, first and foremost, is calculating and shrewd, knowing full well how to blend into the landscape of society.
Psychopaths have an uncanny way of “seducing other people, figuratively or literally,”2entertaining others with humor and charm that can be disarming. In addition, psychopathic females have an aptitude for sizing up people, which helps them identify potential victims. They will size you up sooner than you will size them up.
Shabby dress and self-deprecating humor can be telltale signs
My mother, who demonstrated high levels of psychopathic traits, chose to dress shabbily with old, colorless clothing so she would look like a person very much in need. She preyed on people better that way. If that didn’t win people over, her personality turned to self-deprecating humor and jokes. Her loquacious style dominated, allowing her to take center stage. According to psychopathy researcher, Dr. Carl Gacono, “The female psychopath’s interest in others is not based on a desire for greater intimacy but rather is motivated by a need to be the center of attention.”3
My mother knew she was effective when people started to laugh. The people who inevitably became her “friends” were the ones she planned to use. They gave her ideas, drove her places, helped her decorate the house, gave her clothes, baked her goodies, invited her to lunch, and entertained her—as she styled her personality to mirror their own. What I found most amazing over the years was her ability to mimic their voices so well to ingratiate herself with them. I could tell who she was talking with on the telephone by listening to her staged voice.
Securing trust through charm, stroking, and seeking pity
In his book, Snakes in Suits, psychopathy expert, Dr. Paul Babiak, writes, “Perhaps one of the most effective skills psychopaths use to get the trust of people is their ability to charm them.4 My mother’s tactics included gushing over people with constant praise to reassure them of her sincerity and friendship.
“How lucky you are,” she would say. “What a family you have. Your children are wonderful. What talent, you have. I wish I had talent like that.” Her list of praises ran the gamut. Then came her routine of feeling sorry for herself, which started with: “Oh my life…”
She gave them her standard line, claiming she would tell them private things and entrusting them with information she had told no others. This was her way of spinning a web to ensnare her prey. Interestingly, she prospected for people who would always do her bidding. Her network of contacts and connections was vast as she armored herself with new and different “friendships” to suit her schemes. Over the years, I occasionally heard comments from some of them who began to realize their “friendship” was one-sided, for her personal benefit only. Some began to feel they were being used. Others would make vague comments that my mother had a disconnect in her thinking or that there was something “off” about her that they could not put their finger on.
The messages psychopaths radiate to ensnare others
According to Dr. Babiak, “The psychopath sends out four messages: The first is, ‘I like who you are.’ The second message is, ‘I am just like you.’ The third message is, ‘Your secrets are safe with me.’ The fourth message is: ‘I am the perfect friend for you.’"5
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The psychopath abuses their trust. While they victimize many people and destroy many lives, the children of a psychopathic mother are typically dominated and discarded at will.
I knew from early on that my mother was different. She did everything possible to kill my self-esteem, shatter my happiness, and turn my life upside down. She came across as a sweet lady with her ragged clothes and "poor me" stories. Her “poor me” approach allowed her to penetrate many people whom she could discard at will. It started with those closest to her and expanded to include many whom she encountered.
1. Stout, Martha. (2005). The Sociopath Next Door. New York, NY: Three Rivers Press. 107.
2. Stout. (2005). The Sociopath Next Door. 98.
3. Gacano, Carl & Evans, F. Burton. (2008). The Handbook of Forensic Rorschach Assessment. New York, NY: Routledge. 373, 375.
4. Babiak, Paul & Hare, Robert D. (2006). Snakes in Suits. New York, NY: Collins. 48.
5. Babiak & Hare. Snakes in Suits. 74 - 78.
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