What Is Rejection Sensitivity?

Take our Rejection Sensitivity Test

Find a therapist near me

Humans are innately oriented toward finding and keeping belonging.

Meta-analytic findings suggest rejection sensitivity is linked to poorer relationship functioning.

Rejection sensitivity is associated with lower relationship satisfaction, more conflict, and more violence.

Entrenched patterns are hard to change, but therapy can help.

It's natural to want connection. We all do! As humans, we're wired to belong, and when we feel socially disconnected, we have a complex regulatory system that kicks in to move us back to a state of connection. This system relies on a web of cognitions, emotions, and behaviors to monitor our social relationships, notice cues of rejection, and orient us back toward safe, accepting relationships.

But what happens when this regulatory system is on overdrive? How does oversensitivity to signs of disconnection affect relationships?

Rejection Sensitivity Begins With Expectations

Some people struggle with regulating connection. Scholars refer to this challenge as rejection sensitivity. People with high rejection sensitivity tend to move through life expecting others to reject them. This cognitive bias corresponds with a keen hypervigilance to potential signs of rejection and is typically followed by a disproportional behavioral reaction.

For example, someone with strong rejection sensitivity might interpret a benign response by a romantic partner ("I'm tired, so I nodded, but didn't smile") as threatening ("He didn't smile. Does he not want to be with me anymore?"). They might fly off the handle in anger at a partner who had no idea this was coming ("I am just tired"). Rejection sensitivity operates like an undercurrent, always pulsing and orienting individuals towards the possibility that their closest significant others will reject them. This undercurrent changes how people see the world.

When people perceive rejection, even when it doesn't exist, they react to it, often intensely. This creates a wave of demands on the unsuspecting partner, and (worse) can set up scenarios in which partners may, in fact, push back with rejection. In this sense, rejection sensitivity can create a self-fulfilling prophecy.

Rejection Sensitivity is Linked to Specific Relational Problems

As a potentially toxic dispositional tendency, rejection sensitivity works in insidious ways to introduce problems into a relationship. Researchers from the U.K. and Australia (Mishra and Allen, 2023) consolidated existing research on rejection sensitivity and submitted the results of 60 studies to meta-analysis. They found some stable patterns.

Specifically, rejection sensitivity is associated with:

Lower relationship satisfaction. If you tend to think your partner is rejecting you, even when they're not, it's hard to be happy in your relationship. Interestingly, people high in rejection sensitivity also think that their partners are less happy, which in and of itself illustrates rejection sensitivity. Seeing a partner as less satisfied is seeing a partner as rejecting.

Lower closeness. It makes sense that higher rejection sensitivity is aligned with lower self-reported closeness. When other people would still feel safe and close, people with high rejection sensitivity believe their partners are pulling back. This would easily lay the foundation for lower felt closeness.

Greater likelihood of perpetrating and experiencing interpersonal violence. This disturbing finding aligns with research showing that people with more rejection sensitivity often act aggressively in response to felt rejection. Under the threat of rejection, intense reactions could set someone up to act violently. If romantic partners engage in violence, people with higher rejection sensitivity may have a harder time dissolving the relationship. Under no circumstances are victims responsible for their experience of interpersonal violence.

More conflict and greater relationship concerns. The tendency to feel rejected can create a context for arguments and a foundation for worry. A typical disagreement can be amplified if someone imagines rejection into the mix.

More self-silencing. The tendency to self-silence (i.e., censor the self) corresponds with rejection sensitivity, but not universally. When all studies were considered, this link held only for women.

Less power, more jealousy. People who are oversensitive to signs of rejection give their partner more power in relationships: They aren't thinking about their own ability to reject their partner, only their partner's ability to reject them. In addition, because they see threats to their relationship in even benign situations, people high in rejection sensitivity tend to experience a high degree of jealousy.

Finding the Balance With Rejection Sensitivity

We are all sensitive to rejection. We have to be. As we move through life, it's safer to be among accepting others. In relationships, it makes us better partners to notice when someone pulls away ("Honey, is everything ok?"). It gives us a sense of urgency to make adjustments, make amends, or give someone space. Being sensitive to rejection can clue us into the fact that a relationship is dissolving, but it can also call us to action to address a problem in a relationship.

What Is Rejection Sensitivity?

Take our Rejection Sensitivity Test

Find a therapist near me

The goal, then, is not to be immune to rejection. We need it. Rejection sensitivity, however, can become a problem when it crosses a threshold: instead of noticing only intended acts of rejection, people see rejection where it does not exist, and this may, as discussed, set someone up for challenges in their relationship.

The roots of rejection sensitivity can run deep, so there is no quick fix. Entrenched patterns can be difficult to change, but therapy can help. If perceptions of rejection seem to come often with great intensity, working with a therapist can help provide long-term support along with more immediate practical help.

To find a therapist, visit the Psychology Today Therapy Directory.

Mishra, M., & Allen, M. S. (2023). Rejection sensitivity and romantic relationships: A systematic review and meta-analysis. Personality and Individual Differences, 208, 112186.

There was a problem adding your email address. Please try again.

By submitting your information you agree to the Psychology Today Terms & Conditions and Privacy Policy

© Psychology Today