What do lions, tigers, bears, and a sink full of dishes have in common?
Fight, flight, or freeze: our stress system’s responses to threat. When being chased by a lion, we will either run (flight), take our shot at defending ourselves (fight), or, if our nervous system determines the predator too dangerous, play dead (freeze).
We don’t see many lions in our daily lives, but the nervous system is still very concerned with our survival, and our nervous systems believe that our relationships are life or death. We’ve evolved to be social creatures because being a part of a tribe ensured our survival — access to others who cared about and looked out for us kept us alive (and reproducing), while being cast out of the pack was a sure way not to see your next meal. Closeness and connection are safe, distance and isolation are dangerous.
It's no wonder that when our nervous systems perceive a threat to our connection with others, we experience fight/flight/freeze responses. And a sink full of dishes can register within the nervous system as a signal that our feelings aren't being prioritized by our partner, causing a panic akin to a threat to survival, “No one has my back; I’m vulnerable to danger. I’m not safe.”
Because of this hard-wired system, there are three common types of destructive patterns that relationships fall into.
When stuck in a pursue/withdraw pattern, one partner criticizes or demands (fight responses), whereas the other partner shuts down, hides, or appeases (flight/freeze responses). The pursuing partner longs for........