The idea that you develop the capacity for truly intimate relationships once you reach adulthood fits most people’s commonsense ideas as well as psychological theory. After all, it’s not until you’ve reached a certain level of maturity that you’re able to share true mutuality as you give over part of your self into the hands and hearts of another adult.

However, dig deeper into the idea of intimacy and love, and you’ll see that there are many reasons to trace the origins of these feelings back to an individual’s early life. Not only, according to the theory of Erik Erikson, does intimacy build on a childhood sense of trust, but attachment theory also emphasizes early feelings of infant-caregiver bonding.

One of the issues in these seemingly contrasting views involves the definition of love. There is the type of love that adults have for each other, typically revolving around the expression of sexuality. Love can also incorporate the quieter, more constant form of affection known as compassionate love. Where and when does this emerge?

According to Beverley Fehr of the University of Winnipeg (2024), compassionate love is the “giving of oneself for the good of another.” Prior research supports its importance as a predictor of relationship satisfaction, particularly when translated into acts of tenderness and caring. Studies on older couples, including those in which one partner engaged in caregiving for the other, show particularly compelling support for the role of this form of love. Not only was relationship satisfaction higher in those with high levels of compassionate love, but so were positive perceptions of caregiving and lower perceptions of caregiver burden.

As an other-focused, selfless love, though, Fehr maintains that compassionate love could be a major........

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