Contempt in love relationships occurs at the end of a long chain of resentment, caused by accumulated perceptions of unfairness. Contempt makes partners seem more like opponents than loved ones. They see their problems resulting not from the way they interact or regulate emotions. Rather, the problem is characterological: Partners judge each to be immoral, selfish, unstable, or stupid—there’s something wrong with them.
Contempt sends people to the Internet to diagnose their partners with various personality disorders. The desire to diagnose a partner typically indicates a level of contempt that, unabated, spells doom for a relationship. It’s hard to be compassionate, kind, and loving to someone you hold in contempt, and it’s equally hard to be compassionate, kind, and loving to someone who holds you in contempt. A relationship in the throes of contempt is like a patient on life support. Without heroic intervention, it will die.
How to Know That You Have Contempt for Your Partner
Contempt is present when you use (or at least think) contemptuous attributions such as lazy, selfish, inconsiderate, crazy, narcissistic, borderline, and so on.
Typically, such negative labels reinforce the kind of behavior you don’t want—and almost guarantee that you’ll get more of it. After all, what do lazy, selfish,........