Cognitive biases are autopilot judgments that shape conscious thinking and behavior. They help the brain achieve coherence of experience and memory. They provide explanations for unpleasant and painful experiences and memories. There are dozens of examples. The most common is confirmation bias, in which we process only information that confirms our biases and prejudices while ignoring or dismissing contradictory evidence.
Biases and prejudices feed into a primitive defense mechanism known as splitting. When ambivalent emotions become too strong, many people split them into components, such as good and bad, love and hate. Split apart, the negative will always dominate the positive. Due to their immediate survival significance, negative feelings get priority processing in the brain in both experience and memory. Fueled by biases and prejudices, splitting gives a Jekyll-Hyde flavor to relationships, with Mr. Hyde eventually choking the life from the union.
Biases and prejudices are so integral to the way the brain organizes information that it’s impossible to be completely free of them. But we can reduce their negative effects.
Splitting guarantees the triumph of the bad over the good. Integrating ambivalent feelings increases the chances of the positive regulating the negative. We must remember that we love our partners when we don’t like their behavior and when we ask for behavior change.
Before requesting a change in any behavior that stirs emotion, try to recall what you love about your partner and what is good about your relationship. Write them down. This will make your approach more positive. You’ll feel better about yourself while increasing the likelihood of a cooperative response.
We’re hypersensitive to partners acting unfairly but hardly aware of our own unfairness. Perceptions of unfairness are functions of the autopilot brain. The........