Resentment Resolution: Free Yourself From Emotional Burdens |
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Resentment is a persistent feeling that we are or have been treated unfairly.
Each new incident of perceived unfairness links onto previous ones, forming a weighty chain.
Resentment is degenerative; if allowed to run on autopilot, it reaches contempt and disgust.
Resentment is a persistent feeling that we’re treated unfairly—not getting due respect, appreciation, affection, help, apology, consideration, praise, or reward. It keeps us locked in a devalued state, wherein it’s difficult to improve or appreciate or connect positively with others. It stirs fantasies of retribution, which stimulate small doses of adrenaline and cortisol for a temporary increase in energy and confidence. The amphetamine effect of these hormones leads to a temporary crash of energy and confidence. Eventually, we have only two discernible emotional states: resentment or depression.
The habitual nature of resentment means that it is never specific to one behavior—nobody resents just one thing. The offenses we resent are seldom completely forgotten. Instead, each new incident of perceived unfairness automatically links onto previous ones, eventually forging a heavy chain.
The chain of resentment always extends into the distant past. In advanced stages, it goes into the future. That's when we hear things like:
"It's going all right now, but she'll find some way to screw up the weekend." "It's fine for now, but the ‘real him' will come out, just wait."
"It's going all right now, but she'll find some way to screw up the weekend."
"It's fine for now, but the ‘real him' will come out, just wait."
The Chain of Resentment Is Self-linking
The tremendous effort required to drag the chain of resentment through life makes us hyper-vigilant for possible offenses, lest they "sneak up" on us. It makes us look for things to resent. This creates frequent sour moods and an atmosphere wherein no offense is too trivial or too unrealistic to add to the chain. We'll find things to resent in the news, traffic patterns, a dearth of parking places, the temperature of drinking water, and in other people's tastes, thoughts, opinions, mannerisms, and feelings. The chain of resentment is degenerative. Left to run on autopilot, it leads to contempt, bitterness, and disgust.
A member of a court-ordered class I once taught had a colorful way of describing the effects of resentment. He said that dragging the chain of resentment through life is like carrying around a bag of horse manure. (OK, he did not say "manure.") You want to smear the bag of horse do-do in the face of the person you resent. So you carry it around, waiting for the opportunity, and carry it around, and carry it around, and carry it around. And who stinks?
We always have a right to be resentful. More important, we don’t deserve to suffer the emotional strain of resentment. In addition to mental unrest, resentful people suffer more coughs, colds, flu, muscle aches, stomachaches, and sleep deprivation.
The chain of resentment must be undone link by link. Repeat the following exercise on each thing you resent. Take your time.
1. I resent this about my partner. (Example: My wife wants to give her family a monthly stipend.)
2. My partner’s perspective of the thing I resent, how he or she would describe it, what it’s like in his/her shoes. (She feels an obligation to her family, and she’s hurt that I don’t see how important it is to her.)
3. How is my partner perceiving me with regard to this issue? (Stingy, narrow-minded, uncaring.)
4. This is how I will access my core value, make myself feel lovable and adequate as a partner, before addressing this issue. (I’ll recall being compassionate and kind.)
5. This is how I’ll show value and compassion as I address this issue. (I admire her for wanting to help her family.)
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6. The specific behavior change I want to request of my partner. (Let’s make a budget to see how much we can afford to give. Does that sound fair?)
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