How We Turn Toddler Feelings Into Adult Action |
What Is Emotion Regulation?
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The toddler brain functions as an alarm system to summon help, care, or protection from caregivers.
Regulating alarms is out of the question for toddlers who can’t take care of themselves.
Regulatory function falls to the later developing prefrontal cortex: the adult brain.
Feelings that are urgent alarms in the toddler brain are merely action signals in the adult brain.
Researchers commonly agree that feelings originate or at least mediate in the toddler brain, which is fully developed on a structural level by age three. Anyone who has lived with a toddler will testify that they can express a range of intense emotions.
When it comes to negative feelings, the toddler brain functions as an alarm system to summon help, care, or protection from caregivers. Regulating alarms is out of the question for those adorable little creatures who can’t take care of themselves. That function falls to the later developing prefrontal cortex – the adult brain.
The toddler brain lacks reality testing, which is why toddlers have a hard time distinguishing imagination and dreams from reality. Feelings that seem like urgent alarms in the toddler brain (fear, anger, anguish, shame) are merely action signals, via adult brain reality-testing:
Fear becomes concern or caution (calling for research, planning, or preparation).
Anger becomes impatience or frustration (calling for reevaluation, modification, or redoubling effort).
Anguish becomes sadness (preparing us to value again).
Shame becomes disappointment (leading us to try again or try something else).
Toddler brain: “I feel isolated." (Focusing on the negative state amplifies and magnifies it.) This may sound needy, demanding, or resentful to the partner.Adult brain: “Am I really isolated, or does it just feel that way? What can I do to feel more connected?”
Toddler brain: “I’m angry; you must be doing something wrong.”Adult brain: “I'm angry, did you really do something wrong? If so, you were probably distracted, overwhelmed, or hurt. This is what I will do to improve the situation.”
Toddler brain: "I'm anxious, (therefore) you're threatening (or at least not helping). Bad things happen when I feel this way. You have to do what I want, so I can be less anxious."Adult brain: “Things seem bad now, but it’s a temporary feeling that will pass. I’ll try to improve the situation and appreciate, connect with, or protect my loved ones."
In the toddler brain, the experience of shame is disorganizing, if not paralyzing. Toddlers cannot distinguish disappointment from the shame of failure or inadequacy. Because these feelings are disempowering, they try to empower themselves by blaming loved ones (or toys), which produces a more powerful feeling of anger.
In the adult brain, disappointment motivates self-soothing and self-care and, if necessary, sharpening old skills and acquiring new ones. If disappointment is about attachment, it motivates connecting to loved ones, being more compassionate, kind, supportive, and loving.
Practice Until It Becomes Habit
Think of a negative feeling that escalated into an unpleasant encounter. Pretend it’s happening now. Try to feel the physical sensations that go with the feeling—increased heart rate, stiffness in your shoulders, clenched fists.
State how you feel (use the deepest actual feeling, not a judgment about someone else):
Apply adult brain reality-testing:
“Am I really inadequate, or did it just feel that way? Of course, I'm adequate, I’ve done lots of things well and competently.”
“Am I really inadequate, or did it just feel that way? Of course, I'm adequate, I’ve done lots of things well and competently.”
“If they’re intentionally disregarding me, it’s probably because they’re preoccupied. I’ll respectfully assert my position.”
“If they’re intentionally disregarding me, it’s probably because they’re preoccupied. I’ll respectfully assert my position.”
What Is Emotion Regulation?
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“Or they don’t trust my input. I’ll work to earn their trust.”
“Or they don’t trust my input. I’ll work to earn their trust.”
The bottom line is, we turn toddler brain feelings into adult brain values by activating instinctual motivations to:
Improve rather than blame
Appreciate rather than ignore
Connect rather than withdraw
Protect rather than hurt