Everyone has a core vulnerability—the emotional state we most dread and spend the most emotional energy avoiding. Common core vulnerabilities I see in my practice are fear (of harm, isolation, deprivation) and shame—dread of failure or inadequacy.

We rarely experience core vulnerabilities due to entrenched avoidance habits, such as blame (resentment, anger) and denial (distraction, substance use.) Habits of avoiding core vulnerabilities cast shadows on implicit judgments and overt behavior, particularly under stress. They undermine hope and diminish positive meaning.

Avoidance habits are salient in romantic relationships, where partners have different core vulnerabilities. One is more vulnerable to fear, while dread of failure plagues the other, for instance. Consequently, their avoidance habits have developed on different radar screens, making it difficult for them to sympathize with the vulnerabilities that underlie each other’s attitudes and behavior.

“Why do you think like that and do these things? I wouldn’t think or behave that way.”

A couple's reactions to each other over time form an unconscious fear-shame dynamic, wherein anxiety in one........

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