There are hundreds of psychological explanations for behavior, feelings, and relationships on the Internet, many of them claiming scientific credibility. The highest-order scientific explanations must not merely explain but must also predict: If A occurs, B will likely occur.
Few psychological explanations have predictive ability. Those that do have predictability for groups under study, not for individuals.
There is psychological advice on the Internet that can be helpful to some people some of the time. To ferret out useful advice, form hypotheses from explanations and test them in your own life.
For example, consider explanations of conflict in relationships.
Explanation: Communication techniques improve exchanges between partners.
Test: Use any of the dozens of communication strategies on the Internet and measure the relationship effect—that is, do you feel closer, more connected, or merely heard or appeased? Alternatively, don’t worry about how you’ll put it, but focus on what you appreciate and love about your partner before you speak.
Explanation: Identifying your needs and clearly expressing them improves exchanges between partners.
Test: Clearly express your needs to your partner and measure the reaction. (This is one likely to evoke passive-aggressive behavior—your partner may seem to agree but “forget” to comply.) Alternatively, tell your partner what you prefer or desire and how you will appreciate cooperation, and measure the reaction.
Explanation: Negative judgments about partners, even when not verbalized, evoke a reciprocity of negative judgments.
Test: Make a negative judgment about your partner but don’t verbalize it, and measure your partner’s reactions—cooperative or resistant. Alternatively, make a more compassionate interpretation of your judgment and measure your partner’s reaction during negotiation.
Explanation: Blame makes things worse because people get defensive and sometimes angry when they feel blamed.
Test: Blame your partner for a problem and assess the reaction. Alternatively, describe a problem without blame and ask for input on possible solutions and measure the reaction.
Explanation: Couples don’t fight about facts, they fight about failure of compassion, the belief that your partner doesn’t care how you feel.
Test: Focus on facts in a disagreement and measure your partner’s reactions. Alternatively, show that you care about your partner’s feelings regardless of the facts and measure the reaction.
Some explanations become self-fulfilling prophecy for unsuspecting readers. A common example:
Adverse childhood experience predicts intimacy problems in adult relationships.
A judgment that you or your partner has intimacy problems stirs anxiety and shame, exacerbating the problem it explains.
To avoid the self-fulfilling prophecy of intimacy issues, focus on mutual desire, assuming you both want an intimate connection. Omit mention of intimacy problems. Begin negotiation with a focus on a time when you felt close and connected and how great it was. Ask if there’s anything you can do to get more of something you both want. Only then suggest what your partner might do.
Test: Try the above and measure the reaction.
Another example of self-fulfilling prophecy:
Your partner has this personality disorder if these symptoms are present.…
Diagnosing your partner with a personality disorder degrades relationships and predicts more undesired behavior. Buying into an untested explanation risks projective identification—partners tend to conform to their projections of each other. Diagnosing your partner as narcissistic will cause more defensiveness and manipulation. Characterizing your partner as lazy will suppress any motivation to help. Judging that your partner is selfish will suppress your partner’s compassion. Identifying intimacy problems is not an aphrodisiac.
The only advantage a psychological explanation has for you is its ability to predict in your life and relationships. Form hypotheses from any explanation that appeals to you and test it, always wary of self-fulfilling prophecy.
Assessing Usefulness of Psychological Advice on the Internet
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27.03.2023
There are hundreds of psychological explanations for behavior, feelings, and relationships on the Internet, many of them claiming scientific credibility. The highest-order scientific explanations must not merely explain but must also predict: If A occurs, B will likely occur.
Few psychological explanations have predictive ability. Those that do have predictability for groups under study, not for individuals.
There is psychological advice on the Internet that can be helpful to some people some of the time. To ferret out useful advice, form hypotheses from explanations and test them in your own life.
For example, consider explanations of conflict in relationships.
Explanation: Communication techniques improve exchanges between partners.
Test: Use any of the dozens of communication strategies on the Internet and measure the relationship effect—that is, do you feel closer, more connected, or merely heard or appeased? Alternatively, don’t worry about how you’ll put it, but focus on what you appreciate and love about your partner before you........
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