Can You Help My Son? |
What Changes During Adolescence?
Find a therapist to support kids and teens
We aren’t doing such a great job raising our boys.
Something is wrong with boys who are socially adrift, lonely, and friendless.
Many boys have other boys they “do stuff” with, but they don’t have real friends.
I see lots of young men accused of sex crimes due to their inability to manage their sexuality intelligently.
This post is part one of a series.
In our efforts to escape poverty, to make mortgage payments, to meet the demands of our jobs, we’ve become simply too busy to raise healthy boys.
The old African proverb, “It takes a village to raise a child,” applies to each one of us. Collectively, we all raise all of our children and right now they are letting us know that we aren’t doing such a great job when it comes to our boys in particular.
I work with a lot of incels (involuntary celibate) who hate women. These men are often heavily influenced by men like Andrew Tate and Nick Fuentes, who often disrespect and blame women for their problems.
All young men, at one time, were beautiful baby boys (Tate and Fuentes included), and then their development simply went off the rails. What happened?
Something is wrong, heartbreakingly wrong, with boys who are socially adrift, lonely, and friendless. Moms are especially aware that their sons, their beautiful baby boys, have lost their way. They notice that their friendships are superficial and that their romances always (if he has any) seem to fail and for the same reasons.
Moms also notice that these influencers (Tate and Fuentes) are far less helpful than they are predatory and in it for the adulation, validation for their own failed masculinity, clicks on their websites, and ultimately, money.
If you are a parent, there are steps you can take to help your child—ideally, long before he’s even thinking about wanting to have sex. But if he’s already isolated and on the incel trajectory, he can benefit from these ideas and hopefully, we can help him turn things around.
1. Weekly Conversations About Sex and Sexuality
We cannot expect to rear sexually healthy and loving men by ignoring our boys' sexual development. Too many times, I see young men accused of sexual impropriety or even sex crimes due to their inability to manage their sexuality intelligently. Modern public school sex education is more like a veterinarian’s first class in Farm Animal Reproduction because, typically, there is simply no human context provided.
What do I mean by human context? Relationships: healthy, loving, human relationships. Since our schools fail to (or are prevented from) properly educating our children in this area, it’s our job, as parents, to do so. You can learn how to do this by reading my article 5-Minute Weekly Habit That Changes Everything About Sex Ed.
2. Talk to Your Son About His Friends and About Friendship
Many boys have other boys they “do stuff” with, but they don’t have real friends. Explain what it means to have real friends. Explain that when men make friends with men, these male friends help each other become better men. Talk about what you love about your own real friends and include stories about difficult situations and conflicting values. Your son is likely going through his own situations and conflicts right now, and he may not be clear about how loyalty amongst friends works or how sometimes we have to take a risk of confronting a friend when we see them making horrible mistakes.
What Changes During Adolescence?
Find a therapist to support kids and teens
Pro Tip: Please don’t get preachy and, if you do, sincerely apologize. You want your son to be vulnerable? You have to become vulnerable yourself. You have to model everything you want to see.
3. Allow Your Son to Express His Feelings and Thoughts Without Criticism
None of us want to see our children making serious errors in life, but think about it, how many times do you imagine therapists try to help clients by criticizing them? It’s simply an unhelpful approach, so instead, maybe share a story about your having done something similar and how you regret it to this day as you look off into the past (remember: don’t get preachy). Just stay vulnerable.
4. Find and Enlist Allies
Remember, it takes a village. Not one of us can do this all by ourselves. Good people who know and support what you’re trying to do are going to be able to see what you don’t, say what you can’t, and let go of criticism when you won’t.
Invite people who love you and your children into your life. You can’t do this alone. You and your partner can’t do this alone. This is not a question about how much help you need. The question is: How much help can you get? Answer: The more, the better.
Stay tuned for future articles that discuss what makes boys particularly vulnerable to our neglect, and why helping them is the foundation of our society’s future and our civilization’s remaining civilized.