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Neurotic narcissism often undermines intimate relationships.

The repetition compulsion can play out in the therapy relationship as well.

Overcoming the repetition compulsion requires more than mere cognitive or intellectual insight.

This is Part 3 of a series on narcissism and romantic relationships.

In Part 1 and Part 2 of this series, we discussed different dynamics related to neurotic narcissism that tend to hinder and undermine romantic relationships. Indeed, one of the most common problems psychotherapists see is a chronic and repetitive pattern of dysfunctional relationships. And each relationship eventually ends badly because of these same dynamics.

This is very much like what happens to Bill Murray in the memorable film Groundhog Day (1993). Those who have seen it no doubt recall Murray’s starring role (Phil Connors) as a totally narcissistic, self-centered, egotistical television weather man. After a while, such negative attitudes and self-defeating patterns of behavior and narcissistic signs (see my prior post)—objectively obvious to others—slowly begin to become evident, even to the patient. (In Connors’ case, by dint of suddenly being bizarrely forced, as described in Nietzsche’s 1882 idea of “eternal recurrence,” to literally repeat the same day, same mundane details, and same interpersonal interactions over and over, ad nauseum.)

Nevertheless, the consistently selfish behavior with its predictable consequences commonly continues both for the narcissistic client and those attracted to them, as is typically the case with character disorders in general. The person is unable to help themselves from acting this way despite making conscious efforts to do so. And the inevitable question arises: Why? Why would anyone in their right mind persist in pursuing relationships that are obviously doomed to failure? What’s happening here?

The Profound Fear of Intimacy

There are no easy explanations for such persistent self-defeating behavior. One part of the puzzle has to do with a profound........

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