Emotional Labor in Relationships: When Love Becomes Work |
Emotional labor is the invisible mental work that keeps some relationships functioning.
One-sided emotional effort in a relationship leads to exhaustion, resentment, and disconnection.
Stepping back from emotional labor can feel uncomfortable, but it can improve your mental and physical health.
Emotional labor happens when one partner carries a majority of the mental and emotional effort in a relationship. Over time, it can leave you feeling exhausted, resentful, and disconnected.
The Invisible Work No One Talks About
Many people think of household chores when they consider the “work” in a relationship. But there is another kind of work that often goes unnoticed: emotional labor. Emotional labor is the mental effort you put in to keep your relationship “working.” You may be hyperaware of your partner’s moods, de-escalate conflict, managing your partner’s needs, monitoring their health, and anticipate what your partner wants in the relationship. Emotional labor is often unrecognized and unappreciated because it’s invisible.
What Emotional Labor Actually Looks Like
Emotional labor shows up in everyday moments, not dramatic ones. It might look like:
Being the one who always checks in when something feels “off."
Remembering family obligations or social plans.
Anticipating your partner’s needs before they say anything.
Managing conflict by choosing the right time, tone, and words.
Doing the emotional “repair” after arguments.
Explaining feelings while your partner stays quiet.
Keeping track of the relationship’s well-being.
Because your emotional workload has been normalized, you may not realize the toll it has taken on you.
Why Emotional Labor Often Falls on One Partner
Social conditioning plays a significant role in taking on emotional labor in a relationship. Some people, often women, are taught early on to notice emotions, manage harmony, and take responsibility for others’ feelings. In uneven relationships, one partner becomes “emotionally active,” while the other becomes “emotionally passive.”
The Impact of Emotional Labor
At first, emotional labor can feel like you are doing a good job of caring about your partner and the relationship. You want connection, affection, and you want the relationship to work. But over time, something shifts in the relationship dynamic.
People who carry most of the emotional labor often experience:
Feeling unseen or unappreciated.
Resentment that builds quietly.
Anxiety about “keeping things OK.”
A loss of desire or attraction for their partner.
Feeling more like a parent or manager than a partner.
Feeling lonely in the relationship.
Checking with their partner to see if they are OK.
Anticipating their partner’s needs.
Filling in for their partner’s responsibilities.
Feeling depressed or burned out.
The Impact of Emotional Labor on a Relationship
When you take on emotional labor, intimacy is damaged. Your relationship is starting to feel one-sided rather than mutual. You keep giving, and your partner keeps receiving.
This imbalance can lead to:
Repeated arguments about not feeling supported.
Being told verbally or non-verbally that your needs are inconvenient or not as important.
Feeling burned out, which can appear like withdrawal or numbness.
If your relationship continues on this course, emotional labor will eat away at it and your self-esteem. In healthy relationships, there is mutual kindness, support, and caring. Partners feel comfortable talking about any perceived differences in effort.
What You Can Do If You’re Carrying Emotional Labor in Your Relationship
Notice the different forms of emotional labor you are doing.
Notice the different forms of emotional labor you are doing.
Make a list of how you are managing the relationship. Notice when you're propping up the relationship without your partner's effort. Note how this makes you feel. Are you lonely, resentful, or tired?
Step back from engaging in emotional labor. It can be a challenge if you’ve been used to doing the work in the relationship. You are not pulling back from emotional labor because you are punishing or withholding. You are stepping back because you can no longer overextend.
Notice actions, not just words.
Notice actions, not just words.
Changes happen in relationships when effort is put in, not just in making apologies. A healthy relationship requires consistent effort from both partners.
Set boundaries around your time and energy.
Set boundaries around your time and energy.
You are allowed to say, “I can’t do that for you right now,” or “I need you to handle this right now.” If your partner gets upset, it doesn’t mean you didn’t have the right to set a boundary.
Ask yourself this question.
Ask yourself this question.
If you are wondering if you are putting in emotional labor, ask yourself, "Does this relationship make me feel supported or responsible?”
Seek help from a licensed mental health professional.
Seek help from a licensed mental health professional.
It can help to talk about emotional labor with a therapist, where you can learn new ways to navigate your relationship or determine whether it’s viable in the long term. You can also discover what makes you susceptible to taking on emotional labor, like attachment issues or a history of trauma.
Emotional Labor May Not Be Tolerable Long-Term
If you’ve communicated your needs and your partner isn't interested in discussing them, or if nothing changes in your interactions, it’s important to consider if this relationship is viable. A healthy relationship includes mutual effort and interest.
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