The Thing About Things: Self-Expression and Belonging |
Belonging offers safety, but without agency, it can leave a person secure and still unsure of who she is.
Women are skilled at compromise, and over time compromise can cost us our own point of view.
Our wardrobe is an expression of identity and may be where we first notice we have lost track of ourselves.
By Stacy Feiner and Roberta Style Lee
Nearly €100,000 of clothing sat in Nicole's closets in her London flat, most of it still folded in boutique bags.
Through each career change, her mother offered the same reassurance: “Nicole, you don't have to work, sweetheart. You're taken care of.” Friends and family repeated versions of this as well. It was meant lovingly—but it made her feel small. Gradually, she started to believe it. If she was taken care of, what was left for her to pursue? What value did she bring?
Children need to know they are safe in the world. They need to know they are not alone, that they will not go hungry, get lost, or be forgotten. That sense of security is part of belonging. Nicole had it in abundance.
What she had less of was the other part of belonging: the confidence to pursue an interest, accomplish a goal, contribute something of value, and experience herself as someone who could make things happen. Families that do well across generations cultivate security while encouraging agency (Wolkowitz & Feiner, 2025).For Nicole, agency had gradually become optional.
Her family found real meaning in providing for her, and their care was genuine. But care that required nothing from her gave her no place to discover what she could contribute. Healthy relational connection provides an experience that is rewarding to each person, even when it is rewarding in different ways, as it is between a parent and child........