Talking About Death: The Depth of the Meaning of Life |
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Death is an uncomfortable conversation but it is the most certain aspect of life.
People grieve and mourn differently and have different meanings of death depending on cultures.
Story-telling is a powerful part of human existence.
Our awareness of death can help us enjoy living more.
Death is an uncomfortable topic of conversation at best and taboo at worst. If we are really honest with ourselves, there isn’t much certainty in life; we just don’t know what the future holds, and our memories aren’t a good record of facts. But the one thing we can’t be more certain of is that we will die. Yet in our Western society, it is an unwelcome topic of conversation. Why so?
As a relationship psychotherapist, I talk about death often. Death is very much linked with human relationships and connections: connections to ourselves, to our loved ones, and to the meaning of life.
Death is the ultimate condition that brings up much existential angst for us, which is an awareness of our impermanence. Even those whose existence is remembered beyond their deaths because of celebrity and great achievements will one day fade and disappear. Our own planet will no longer exist one day.
Our consciousness has given us the awareness of death, and we have always made meaning of it. Archaeologists have uncovered graves filled with tools, flowers, and ornaments, suggesting that even early humans understood death not as a mere end, but as a passing of some kind. To bury someone with attention, to mark their passing, to have rituals around death and burials is to tell ourselves that this life matters.
In our modern societies, there is a wide range of diverse rituals associated with death, including funerals, wakes, and memorials, each with its own cultural understanding and ways of mourning and grieving. Some societies encourage an open expression of mourning, others focus on celebration, reframing death as a transition, and for some, grieving and mourning are to be done privately, not in public.
We also need to consider what messages some systems may implicitly send about death and mourning. For example, in the UK, there is no set legal amount of paid compassionate leave. It is at the discretion of the employer, and typically it would be between three and five days of paid leave for immediate family, less for other people, and none for grieving the death of pets. Considering the amount of paperwork that needs to be done after an immediate family member dies, five days is nowhere near enough to handle the admin of it, let alone the grieving. The death of a best friend may be an enormous grief, but the grieving person might only be allowed an afternoon off to attend the funeral. It is now believed that people can grieve the death of a pet as intensely as grieving a human being, yet there is no recognition of this type of grief. Some people even feel silly for mentioning grieving a pet because it is not legitimized in the UK.
Given that conversations about death are uncomfortable in the UK (and many other countries), as a psychotherapist, I often hear clients say that some people who were in their inner circles did not show up at the vulnerable moment of loss. And some partially showed up. This may damage relationships amongst family members and friends, which can be difficult to repair. Indeed, many people simply do not know what to do or say when there is a significant death, and that is because we don’t talk about it enough.
Another common situation I often hear clients talk about is that in the first week after the death, people ask how they are, but the checking in quickly fades. After two or three weeks, very few people mention it, and it is expected to continue life as if nothing had happened. This sends the message that it is not OK to keep grieving, and that people should “get over it” or “work through it” at a speed that makes our society more comfortable. Ignoring death and the pain it causes surviving people is an attempt not to face the existential angst—the one certainty of life—that we will die.
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The existential angst is not only a fear of death, but a deeper unease about meaning. If life ends, what validates it? If consciousness ceases, what was the point of experiencing living? These are the questions that humans have kept pondering from the beginning of our existence, with diverse responses. Some turn to religion, finding solace in the promise of an afterlife or a larger cosmic order. Others embrace a more secular perspective, accepting impermanence as a fundamental aspect of reality. In either case, the challenge remains the same: how to live meaningfully in the face of inevitable loss.
Whichever way we may want to think about death, the rituals that we create around it are a form of creativity. A eulogy, for example, distills a person’s life into a narrative. Story-telling has always been a meaningful part of human existence; it is an act of remembrance and one of defiance: a person’s existence can live beyond death in our memories through the stories we tell.
Paradoxically, the existential angst may have some positive aspects to it. It can encourage us to self-reflect on what is truly important in our lives and how we want to live, re-arranging our priorities. People on their deathbeds do not regret not having a bigger career or not making more money, but they do regret not having spent more time with loved ones, not having allowed themselves to laugh more, and not having had more fun.
Our awareness of death can sharpen our perception of life. It can encourage us to enjoy more the ordinary moments of life with more significance, such as having a cup of coffee with a friend, seeing stars in the night sky, hugging loved ones, and playing with a pet. It can heighten our sense of gratitude for being alive, for being able to feel joy, or just for breathing fresh air.
We don’t need to “get over” grief to live a good life. When we experience a significant loss, we might grieve forever, we might always miss the departed, but we can learn to live with the grief, to honor their existence through stories and rituals at anniversaries. Grieving is not a problem; it is a reflection on the quality of the connection that we had with the deceased person or pet. Death may be the final chapter of our life story, but perhaps it is also what can shape it and give depth to its meaning.
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