10 Things a Hitman Thought Before Pulling the Trigger |
I met Miguel during my research inside a prison in Cali, Colombia. He spoke calmly, without urgency, as someone who had revisited the same memories many times. He did not dramatize his past or ask for understanding. He told me he had spent years incarcerated for more than 50 killings carried out as a paid sicario, moving across the country according to where the work took him. Cities changed and faces blurred together, yet his life followed a familiar rhythm, shaped by the next job and the need to remain alert.
What stayed with me from that conversation was the way Miguel described the moments just before each killing, as if he entered the same internal place every time. He spoke about those seconds with a sense of recognition, suggesting that the act itself came after something else had already begun.
Those moments were not chaotic or impulsive; he expected them. Before each shot, the same thoughts arrived in the same sequence, regardless of who stood in front of him or where he was. Place and circumstance faded quickly as his attention turned inward. Years of exposure to threat, neglect, and silence had shaped a mental process that no longer required effort. As I listened, it became clear that violence did not suddenly appear in that moment. It had already taken form.
1. Survival Comes First
Miguel told me that survival always came first, although not in the way most people imagine it. He spoke about protecting a version of himself he learned to guard early in life. When pressure appeared, his body responded before thought could slow it down. That reaction had developed over years in which hesitation carried consequences. Even when no immediate threat existed, his nervous system remained oriented toward........