In 1935, zoologist Konrad Lorenz observed that ducklings and goslings believed the first object they saw or heard to be their parent. When newly hatched ducklings were exposed to Lorenz’s quacking, they thought, “Mama!” This filial imprinting in birds was nonspecific: Even a bouncing red ball could become a parent to a duckling.
A reverse “imprinting” of the baby to the parent may be why parents have difficulty breaking up with an adult child despite a toxic relationship. For the overwhelming majority, the lens by which the parent views the adult child is formed and strengthened by innate inclinations to care for a vulnerable being so completely dependent on their caregiver. This imprinting is so strong that it can lead to overlooking obvious flaws and faults of the adult child. It can make cutting off an adult child almost an impossibility.
Furthering that difficulty is that cutting off an adult child runs contrary to societal expectations of parenthood as enduring: a forever relationship. Family estrangement is painful. To cut off an adult child is to admit failure as a parent. All told, there are many reasons to avoid cutting off an adult child. There may, however, be times when breaking up with an adult child or children is the difficult but right choice.
Carr and colleagues conducted a qualitative analysis of parent-adult child estrangement through responses from estranged parents and children sampled from websites offering support. The parents were overwhelmingly female (93 percent), were on average 56 years old, and had been estranged from their child or children for about five years. The adult children were also primarily female (82 percent), on average 40 years old, and estranged from the parent or parents for about nine years. Both groups were largely Caucasian and lived in the........