The Personality Paradox |
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Personality traits can develop, in part, as adaptive responses to earlier life demands.
The same traits that drive success in one season can become limiting in another.
Growth requires expanding the range of how traits show up, not eliminating them.
One of the most confusing parts of personal growth is realizing that the very traits that helped you succeed in one season of life can start to work against you in another. This is what I call the personality paradox—let me show you what it can look like.
Kelly: Reliable, Organized, and Overlooked
When I started working with Kelly, she was a mid-level manager at her company. She was the one everyone relied on. Her door was always open for questions, she’d return your email within six hours (usually faster), and her reports were always on time and accurate.
Kelly was proud of this reputation. She was also exhausted and, if she was honest with herself, starting to feel a little resentful. She had put her name in the hat for a promotion at work and was passed over. The feedback she received was that leadership didn’t yet see her as operating at a more strategic, innovative level.
Her high conscientiousness, bordering on perfectionism, had served her well early in her career. But at this stage, those same traits were limiting her impact because she spent more time focusing on inbox zero instead of big picture innovation.
Morgan: Self-Sufficient and Guarded
Morgan, another client of mine, prided herself on being independent. She handled things on her own, rarely asked for help, and didn’t rely heavily on others. This self-sufficiency helped her navigate early life challenges.
But in her close relationships, the pattern began to cost her. Morgan had been online dating for a while. Early messages often turned into in-person dates, but conversations tended to stay surface-level, and her relationships never seemed to progress to the next level.
Morgan’s independence wasn’t the problem. The issue was that a once-adaptive trait had become rigid. To achieve what she wanted now, a close romantic partnership, she needed to be more vulnerable, something she’d never had to practice before.
Jordan: Driven to the Point of Burnout
When Jordan came to me, he was very clear about one thing: “I’m not an extravert.”
He wasn’t unhappy with that label, but he was frustrated by how flat life had started to feel. Jordan described feeling low energy and unmotivated. He wasn’t lonely or socially isolated; he just didn’t feel particularly engaged or excited by much.
This is where it’s important to pause, because extraversion is often misunderstood. Extraversion isn’t just about being talkative or social. It also includes things like energy, approach motivation, and the tendency to experience positive emotion.
From a personality perspective, Jordan wasn’t bad at socializing. He was low on the parts of extraversion related to engagement and vitality. And again, this trait had made sense earlier in his life. Keeping a low profile helped Jordan conserve energy. Saying no by default reduced pressure. But over time, that pattern started to shrink his world.
When Strengths Outlive Their Original Purpose
Personality traits develop for good reasons. They help us adapt to our environments, meet expectations, and navigate challenges. Over time, these patterns become familiar, and they’re often rewarding. They may have been reinforced by praise, success, or relief from discomfort.
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Over time, they became default responses. The problem isn’t generally leaning toward a particular trait, like dependability, self-sufficiency, or even-keel energy. It’s relying on the same trait in every situation, even when circumstances call for something different.
Growth doesn’t mean dropping the traits that helped us succeed in previous seasons. It requires adding range.
From Strength to Flexibility
When the life you’re moving toward—deeper relationships, leadership, energy—requires a new approach, it can feel uncomfortable. That discomfort isn’t evidence that you’re doing something wrong. It’s evidence that you’re nudging your traits in the direction of the next step.
For Kelly, this meant keeping her conscientious nature but shifting away from perfectionism. For Morgan, this meant viewing herself as someone who could be discerning about who she let in, instead of shutting everyone out. For Jordan, it meant accepting invitations and starting activities even if he wasn’t excited about them.
If you're interested in learning more about intentional personality evolution, I offer a class that covers my science-backed framework to align your personality for success in your next step. Learn more here.