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Fertility treatment can turn medical information into a scorecard for the body.

When outcomes feel like grades, disappointment can turn to self-blame.

An IVF outcome is information about a process, not a measure of one's worth or effort.

There is a particular phrase that comes up again and again in my work with people going through fertility treatment: “I feel like I failed.”

Sometimes it’s accompanied by, “I should have researched more/tried the UV light for my eggs/done acupuncture.” The list of imaginary crimes is endless and is often related to hindsight bias.

When I hear this, I hear the heaviness of the struggle, and the multitude of ways a person engages in self-blame. And I ask them, "When you say you’ve failed, what was the test?"

It stops people in their tracks for a second because, technically, there was no test. It’s not a test to have a baby or a competition. And yet infertility or a failed transfer can feel remarkably like being handed an exam paper.

There were medical treatments and biology, probabilities and variables. Chromosomes and hormones, age, chance, and countless processes and complexities beyond anyone's conscious control.

We’ve spent decades learning that certain behaviors lead to certain outcomes: If you work harder, you’ll progress. Follow the instructions and you are likely to get the desired outcome.

These beliefs are useful because they give us a sense of agency in the world. Then infertility........

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