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Infertility doesn't always expose a weak marriage. Sometimes it asks couples to build a different one.

When couples stop blaming each other, they can start protecting the relationship they share.

When the question changes, the relationship often changes with it.

When couples set out to build a family, the dream is perfect and deeply personal. Needless to say, infertility, with its winding territory, is never part of the plan. It wreaks havoc.

When the Relationship Starts to Feel Different

As you reach round three and beyond of in-vitro fertilization (IVF), the toll on the relationship naturally begins to show. Perhaps one of the hardest to navigate is when a couple finds themselves wanting different things.

"It's awful. We cannot agree on the smallest things. I'm afraid this will break us. I mean, I feel my resentment, and this is heading south, fast!" — Alexis*

"It's awful. We cannot agree on the smallest things. I'm afraid this will break us. I mean, I feel my resentment, and this is heading south, fast!" — Alexis*

For some, this signals the moment of wondering whether their marriage will pull through.

What Does Pop Culture Tell Us?

The message is quite clear: If you're struggling, something has gone wrong with the partnership. If you could simply communicate better, become less defensive, or manage conflict more effectively, the relationship would improve.

Maybe that's true. Maybe the way you're processing needs help. But that can dog-pile more anxiety onto an already anxiety-ridden situation, as under stress, our emotional bandwidth for self-regulation narrows. The more reactive we are, the less able we are to access the relationship skills we normally use (Gottman & Gottman, 2015).

And perhaps the problem isn't simply communication but that fear has quietly become the third person in the relationship.

The Hidden Role of Fear

Couples often believe they are fighting each other, when in reality they are........

© Psychology Today