The 5 Most Common Causes of Arguments and How to Avoid Them |
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Some couples believe that arguments are part and parcel of any relationship, even though they are not.
The most common causes are relationship imbalance, triggering of old wounds, and unsolved problems.
Reducing arguments requires controlling emotions and win-win compromises that put problems to rest.
You come home from work after a hard day, already irritable, and it doesn’t take much to set you off—a sarcastic-sounding comment, the kids’ toys littering the living room floor. In a matter of nanoseconds, you and your partner are off and running, each snapping at the other, pointing fingers, and talking about "always" and "you never." Once the dust settles, you realize it was just one of those perfect emotional storms. All is quickly repaired and forgiven.
But for some couples, this way of living is not the exception, but the norm. They say things like, "Sure, we argue a lot, like every other couple." Half of their time on a long weekend is spent in verbal battles, or they’re in a deep emotional freeze for days afterward. My response, as they’re sitting in my office, is no, this doesn’t have to be the status quo; you don’t have to spend your relationship in a state of war.
5 Common Argument Triggers
Arguments are not, in themselves, the problem; rather, they are byproducts of other unresolved issues in the relationship. Here, in my experience, are the five most common sources:
Relationship imbalance. Ana feels she always does the heavy lifting with household chores and caring for the kids. Jake feels he is good at listening and being supportive when Bill has a hard day, but when Jake tries to vent about his struggles, he feels Bill seems uninterested, only half-listening, or offering no empathetic feedback. Ana’s and Jake’s relationships are unbalanced, but they go along until they eventually blow up or act out—shopping sprees, affairs, drinking too much—or resort to constant complaining, nagging, and sarcasm that either falls on deaf ears or leads to those WW3 battles over dirty dishes and clothes on the floor.
Past resentments. Or maybe Ana did have an affair a few years ago. When she starts complaining about chores, her partner, Andre, counters that he at least has never been disloyal. Or, maybe he bottles up his resentment, which then periodically erupts into a daylong rant. Ana feels she can’t get out of the doghouse and is always being punished by her past; Andre can’t get over his hurt.
Childhood emotional wounds. Bill grew up with critical parents; Jake, as a middle child, always felt overlooked and never fully supported. For Bill, Jake’s complaints about the imbalance only remind him of the criticism he has always felt, while Bill’s seeming indifference makes Jake feel like he is 5 years old again. Each feeds off the other, creating a never-ending loop of hurt and of feeling small and powerless.
Difficulty controlling emotions. Andre admits to having a quick temper. If you can control your emotions, arguments die quickly. But if you can’t—if, like Andre, you can go zero-to-sixty in a flash—it becomes difficult to put on the emotional brakes, and conversations quickly go off the rails.
Unresolved, longstanding problems. While resentments, frustrations, and bottled-up anger fuel arguments once they're underway, what also keeps them going is that the issues themselves are never put to rest. Ana and Andre never sit down as adults to reach win-win compromises on chores or child care, nor do Jake and Bill discuss criticism and support. These issues fester, and like landmines, it is only a matter of time before someone steps on them, triggering an argument.
5 Strategies to Reduce Arguing
For you and your partner, the pothole you keep falling into may not be about chores or affairs but about in-laws or sex. The content doesn’t matter; what matters is how you handle these issues when they arise. Here are five antidotes to help reduce arguing:
Broadcast your emotions. If you had a hard day, text your partner before leaving work to say you need an hour to unwind, or ask them to make dinner. Letting those around you know your mood and what you need helps head off fights over the toys on the floor and avoid those perfect storms.
Learn to regulate your emotions. Broadcasting your emotions is about being emotionally responsible. But if you have a quick temper and your default is to blame others for making you angry, you need to stop blaming, take ownership, and learn to calm yourself. This is not about the situation but about you running your life better. Learn it now, so it doesn’t keep haunting you or messing up your relationships.
Realize when conversations are going into the red zone. Recognizing when you (or the other person) are getting upset and defensive is a separate, but related, skill. Allow for time to shift from problem-solving to emotional regulation. Put on the brakes to calm the emotional waters—you might talk about the emotions in the room or call a time-out.
Know what each’s wounds are. Ideally, you want to help each other heal by not retriggering each other's wounds. Andre needs to realize that Ana is sensitive to imbalance or a lack of appreciation, and Jake knows that Bill is sensitive to criticism. This is not about walking on eggshells or never speaking up, but about being more sensitive. You both cut a deal—I’ll try not to step on your wound, and you try not to step on mine.
Put problems to rest. Work out that chore list; have the conversation about the lingering affair so it no longer fuels arguments; talk about what each of you needs from the other in clear, behavioral terms. Come up with a plan you both agree on, check how it’s working, tweak, and repeat.
Be an Adult—Upgrade Your Software
This is not rocket science. It’s about respect, being a sensitive adult, and solving problems together so you no longer stumble over them.
So, is it normal for couples to argue all the time?
Why Relationships Matter
Take our Can You Spot Red Flags In A Relationship?
Find a therapist to strengthen relationships
Taibbi, R. (2017). Doing couple therapy: Craft & creativity in intimate relationships. New York: Guilford.
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