Co-regulation: Self-Sufficiency's Greatest Achievement |
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The "two-person dance" of co-regulation can powerfully restore emotional equilibrium.
Mothers often provide the first experience of co-regulation, shaping a person's emotional resilience.
Intimate relationships serve as co-regulation's greatest testing ground.
For virtually half a century as a practicing psychologist, I’ve “preached the gospel” of emotional self-sufficiency as a sparkling jewel in the crown of optimal mental health. Likewise, its conceptual next of kin, emotion regulation and self-soothing, have always had my unqualified endorsement and recommendation as universally coveted abilities that should have a prominent place in everyone’s self-management repertoire.
But as important as these self-care capacities are, they may be outranked by the transcendent value of co-regulation. For centuries, the advantages of co-regulation and its allied concepts have populated the pages of a broad swath of literature in theology, philosophy, and, more recently, psychology.
For instance, the highly valued, eagerly researched science on emotional intelligence regards co-regulation as a fundamentally integral part of its family of concepts on psychological maturity, albeit it is set apart by its unique function of using one’s own nervous system to help a distressed other regulate their intense emotions. Because of co-regulation’s distinction as a two-person enterprise, as opposed to what one does for oneself to manage their emotions, it may be the highest-ranking member in this family of related concepts.
Similarly, in 1996, researchers McCaslin and Good defined co-regulation as the interaction between two or more individuals where those in caregiver roles help regulate the emotions of a needy or distraught person. Others cleverly define it as two nervous systems in a collaborative “dance” to soothe or de-escalate debilitating negative arousal in a distressed, overwhelmed other. Simply, one person’s emotional calm is lent to another.
Numerous studies have consistently shown that just being with another person during times of affliction significantly mitigates the magnitude of our stress. Convincingly, the emotional dividends of co-regulation surpass the “within-person” benefits we derive from being self-sufficient—regulating our emotions or soothing ourselves—as critical as these capabilities are. But perhaps these three key self-regulators achieve their uppermost expression when playing their role in securing the benefits of co-regulation by tapping the vital, supportive emotional resources of our trusted, significant others—their “between persons” role.
In this sense, co-regulation stands on the shoulders of these three critical forerunners. For example, under personally stressful circumstances, when I deliberately reach out for additional support from loving family or friends, my self-soothing capacity may realize its highest expression, exceeding anything I might do strictly on my own to cope with my stress.
Good Mothers Contain the Uncontainable
When their child is in crisis, a well-regulated, well-attuned mother imposes a benevolent presence over their dysregulated, emotionally overwhelmed child to help down-regulate their intense emotions, something the child cannot do for themselves. The mother’s calming aura “contains” or “metabolizes” the acute emotions that overpower the child’s underdeveloped coping strategies. Under these auspicious, compassionate circumstances, the child’s emotional equilibrium is restored.
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This sympathetic use of maternal emotional resources divests the child of the onerous burden of being unattended, left alone, which may be the worst part of the child’s crisis. And because of the child’s strong identification with their mother, the child can learn that if my mother is able to tolerate my extreme feelings, then maybe I can as well.
When this same quality of parental care is repeated, or pattern-like, neural circuitries in the child’s brain are established, which lay the groundwork for the child’s own self-regulatory capacity. The mother’s calming influence is thus internalized and eventually germinates, enabling the child to soothe themselves under stressful circumstances.
Of course, before a mother can effectively perform this essential function of co-regulation, there’s an indispensable pre-qualifier: She must first be well-regulated herself. Absent this, the child’s distress can be virulent and “emotionally infect” their mother. Now, both are destabilized, and there’s no calm to be transmitted. Conversely, a reasonably consistent, emotionally well-regulated mother can pass on her capacity for managing stress in a “genetic-like” manner as part of the child’s rightful inheritance.
A Frequent “Behavioral Prescription”
A recurring behavioral prescription of mine is to encourage my clients to learn to effectively tap their relational resources for emotional support, rather than remain alone when beset with intense negative feelings. In the embracing company of attentive others, our intense emotional experience gets downsized; it becomes more tolerable and hence more manageable.
On a molecular level, our stress hormones, cortisol and adrenaline, drop significantly, and oxytocin levels shoot upwards during co-regulation experiences, making our recovery from acute stress speedier and more complete. Even our immune system enjoys a boost in efficiency in preventing and combating physical disease.
The pluses of co-regulation often outweigh self-sufficiency’s go-it-alone strategies that, under some situations, may even enfeeble more than strengthen us. Again, it can be cogently argued that self-sufficiency’s greatest accomplishment comes in the form of co-regulation, and without it, self-sufficiency may not achieve its fullest range of personal benefits.
Intimacy Hones Our Co-Regulatory Skills
For most of us, co-regulation is likely to have its greatest testing ground and its greatest usefulness within the intimate relationship. Within its complicated, often-demanding context, partners are frequently called upon to supportively empathize with one another. Those partners who successfully navigate intimacy’s challenges have strengthened their "Intimacy IQ," their ability to momentarily bypass their personal needs and feelings to attune to and help contain their partner’s emotional downward spiral.
And the rewards for doing so flow in both directions. When one partner extends sensitive, respectful understanding to another, that partner’s co-regulatory efforts become an entitlement, an “emotional credit card” that can be used when they themselves encounter stressful circumstances. These compassionate between-partner dynamics explain the burgeoning research findings that partners coupled in stable, satisfying relationships enjoy quality of life advantages along with greater longevity.
What are your co-regulatory experiences like?
McCaslin and Good, T. (1996). Listening in Classrooms. New York: Harper Collins Publishers, Inc.