Protecting Yourself if You Want to Forgive |
The Importance of Forgiveness
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Some people are afraid to forgive because they have unexplored assumptions about what it is.
If you want to forgive, you first need to take the time to deeply understand what it is and is not.
Do not rush into the forgiveness process, even if others try to pressure you into it.
Being hurt by others creates many challenges. How do I right the wrong? Can I get the person to change? Importantly, can I forgive as a way to guard against unhealthy anger? If so, what are the protections of which I need to be aware so that the forgiveness can be healthy and not damaging either to the one who acted unfairly or to me? We will consider seven themes for protecting yourself as you forgive.
1. Know what you are getting yourself into. What do we mean by forgiveness?
In my research work on forgiveness, which dates back to 1985, I have found that most people with whom I talk do not deeply understand what forgiveness is. I mention this because a false definition of what forgiveness is can be a deterrent to even trying to forgive. It is so difficult to fully comprehend what forgiveness is that an entire journal issue was dedicated to exploring its definition (Song, Enright, & Kim, 2025). The essence of forgiveness in that journal centered on this: As we forgive those who have been unjust to us, we choose to have mercy on that person through respect, kindness, generosity, and even, on its very highest level, love or assisting that person in human betterment when it may be painful to do so.
2. Know what forgiveness is not.
As people willingly forgive, they do not excuse the injustice, nor do they automatically reconcile if the other is a danger to the forgiver, and justice is not thrown under the bus. Forgive and seek justice. Such an understanding of forgiveness can help prevent such errors as, “Oh, I have to put up with this person’s cruelty when I forgive.”
3. Take time to process your emotional wounds.
Allow time for anger or confusion before walking the path of forgiving. Forgiveness does not imply that you sidestep all your emotional pain by immediately jumping to mercy for the other. Instead, take some time to process your pain, which can include (a) emotional struggles such as resentment, (b) cognitive struggles such as constantly condemning the other, and (c) behavioral struggles such as fatigue. Experiencing pain is very common following unjust treatment. Such insight into one’s own pain acts as an important motivator to do something about the pain, and forgiving can be one healing response.
4. Do not be pressured by others to quickly jump into forgiveness. Forgiveness is your free-will choice.
Well-meaning people, at times, can be intemperate in their advice to forgive immediately without seeing that you need some time to process the pain. They usually have good intentions for you, but as pointed out in point 1 above, they may be misunderstanding what forgiveness is, thinking that it is a swift process in which all you have to do is proclaim, “All is forgiven!” and it is done. In my experience, you have to be careful when others put this kind of pressure on you, because it can lead to the misunderstanding that forgiveness is bad when it's actually the pressure that's bad.
5. Guard against the naysayers who insist that you should not forgive. Again, this is your choice, not theirs.
Again, in my experience, some people who misunderstand what forgiveness is, thinking it is giving in to others’ nonsense or a sign of weakness, discourage forgiving. Be careful here not to fall into the trap of following the consensus around you. A norm in your small group, family, or workplace that forgiveness is ridiculous needs to be resisted. Try to see the errors in the people’s definition of forgiveness, as they condemn it as wrong. In my experience, every person who condemns forgiveness misunderstands it in some way. Try to see that they are condemning this misunderstanding rather than forgiveness itself. Please be aware of this so you do not go along with philosophically wrong views of forgiveness.
6. To increase confidence, know that psychological science shows forgiveness is effective in promoting healing.
Four meta-analyses have consistently shown that taking sufficient time to forgive, with a proper understanding of it, can reduce anger, anxiety, and depression, and increase self-esteem and hope (Aktar & Barlow, 2018; Baskin & Enright, 2004; Lundahl et al., 2008; Wade et al., 2014). For example, a study in a men’s maximum-security correctional institution showed that the men started a forgiveness intervention with clinical levels of anger, anxiety, and depression. After the six-month program, they went to normal levels of all three psychological variables (Yu et al., 2021).
The Importance of Forgiveness
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7. Know the basic process of forgiveness from psychological science. The process unfolds and can take time.
Because forgiving can take time, be careful not to rush it. If you have been deeply hurt by another’s or others’ actions, it can take at least 12 weeks to forgive, as seen in one of the meta-analyses (Baskin & Enright, 2004). As you forgive, you likely will be doing the following (Enright, 2015):
Uncover your emotional, cognitive, and behavioral pain.
Decide to forgive by knowing what forgiveness is. Make a free-will decision without pressure from others.
Work on broadening your view of the other person. Try to see the person’s inherent worth. Try to cultivate empathy, especially if you see woundedness in that person, which was spilled onto you. Try to bear the pain so you do not pass it back to the person or others, and try, when you are ready, to offer mercy in some way to the person, such as a smile or a returned email at first. See, for example, Enright (2019).
Discover that your anger is lessening and that you are becoming healthier, even accepting yourself more readily than before. Enjoy the healing of forgiveness.
These seven approaches can be a protection for you, especially when you hear competing voices, some pressuring you to forgive, while others even subtly discourage you from forgiving. The choice is yours. If you so choose, understand what forgiveness is first, then move forward with confidence, courage, and determination to be a forgiving person.
Akhtar, S. & Barlow, J. (2018). Forgiveness therapy for the promotion of mental well-being: A systematic review and meta-analysis. Trauma, Violence, & Abuse, 19(1), 107–122.
Baskin, T.W., & Enright, R. D. (2004). Intervention studies on forgiveness: A meta-analysis. Journal of Counseling and Development, 82, 79–90.
Enright, R. D. (2019). Forgiveness Is a Choice: A Step-by-Step Process for Resolving Anger and Restoring Hope. American Psychological Association.
Enright, R.D. (2015). 8 Keys to Forgiveness. Norton.
Lundahl, B. W., Taylor, M. J., Stevenson, R., & Roberts, K. D. (2008). Process-based forgiveness interventions: A meta-analytic review. Research on Social Work Practice, 18(5), 465–478.
Song, J., Enright, R.D., & Kim, J. (2025). Definitional drift within the science of forgiveness: The dangers of avoiding philosophical analyses. Journal of Theoretical and Philosophical Psychology, 45(1), 3–24.
Wade, N. G., Hoyt, W. T., Kidwell, J. E., & Worthington Jr, E. L. (2014). Efficacy of psychotherapeutic interventions to promote forgiveness: a meta-analysis. Journal of Consulting and Clinical Psychology, 82(1), 154.
Yu, L., Gambaro, M., Song, J., Teslik, M., Song, M., Komoski, M.C., Wollner, B., & Enright, R.D. (2021). Forgiveness therapy in a maximum-security correctional institution: A randomized clinical trial. Clinical Psychology and Psychotherapy, 28, 1457–1471.