Why Trying to Control People Often Backfires |
Pressure to change can make people resist harder, even when changing would protect them.
Feeling controlled triggers threat circuits in the brain; curiosity engages learning circuits.
You don’t have to change someone’s beliefs to change their behavior. Curiosity builds trust that lasts.
Three ways to lead with curiosity, not control: ask open questions, share stories, and find shared goals.
The holidays have a way of resurfacing family conflict. Whether we’re arguing about politics, religion, or putting pineapple on pizza, telling someone what to think rarely changes their mind. In fact, it typically makes them fight back harder. I’ve witnessed this reaction as a father, physician, White House adviser, and public health advocate—especially when disease outbreaks erode public trust.
During the pandemic, public health mandates seemed to intensify suspicions among people who were already skeptical of the government and vaccines. Americans adopted an "us-versus-them" mentality and stopped listening to anyone with an opposing view.
Scientists have a name for this: psychological reactance—the tendency to push back against restrictions that interfere with our freedom. Even when rules are meant to keep us safe, we resist because we don’t want someone else making decisions for us.
What happens in our brains when we feel controlled?
The sense that our autonomy is under threat dampens activity in the brain’s prefrontal cortex, which is involved in reasoning and synthesizing new information. This reduces our openness to evidence and explains why relying solely on........