Does this scenario sound familiar?

Your spouse comes to you feeling upset because they were passed up for a promotion at work. This stirs up your own feelings of wanting to help make them feel better. So, you jump into action with a list of proposed solutions, advice, and targeted questions to try to figure out how to make their problem disappear. Then, you’re surprised that, despite your best efforts, your partner isn’t comforted but is instead even more upset. But now, they’re upset with you! You hear (yet again!) that you’re not providing the support your partner is looking for. Now, you’re both left feeling frustrated, disappointed, and misunderstood.

A simple, research-informed framework I often use with couples in therapy to overcome this common issue is the three h’s of relationship support: hear, hug, and help. Each “H” represents a different type of support. Not only is each “H” important, but the order in which you do them matters, too.

To hear means to engage in constructive communication and emotional responsiveness. During conversations, even difficult ones, use active........

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