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Fights with people you care about often begin as an effort to raise a sensitive issue.

Before raising the issue, think about your desired outcome for the conversation.

Identify your emotional needs underlying the desired outcome. Why does this matter to you?

“You never pick up your socks!”

“You don’t appreciate everything I do for you! All you see are socks on the floor.”

We’ve all had fights like this with people we care about. You can’t hold in your frustration any longer, so you let it out—only to learn that your partner (or child, or friend) has been holding in their frustration too. You both walk away feeling worse.

But neither of you wanted to fight. You both wanted to communicate.

Here’s how to turn that fight into a discussion that brings you closer together, instead of driving you apart.

1. Before you speak, consider the purpose of the conversation

Before you say anything, decide what you are trying to achieve through this conversation.

Your partner is aware their socks are on the floor. Are you asking them to simply pick up the socks? If so, a more effective way would be to say, “Could you put your socks in the hamper?” This way, you’re asking for the behavior you want, rather than judging your partner.

Or, are you trying to express your frustration with this ongoing pattern—and if so, what’s the purpose of expressing frustration? What is your desired outcome?

Answering these questions may lead to keeping quiet for now, because you’re not yet ready to have a constructive conversation. When you pause and think about what you want to achieve through this conversation, you may realize that you want your partner to feel guilty, or you just want to vent. Making your partner feel guilty will not ease your frustration. Consider venting to a sympathetic friend instead.

2. Identify the emotional needs behind your purpose

Here’s a thought experiment: Suppose your partner had a medical condition that prevented them from picking things up off the floor. You wouldn’t be angry about the socks. You would accept socks on the floor as a fact of life with your partner. Even if you still occasionally felt frustrated, you probably would not complain to your partner—instead, you would either pick the socks up yourself, or get used to them being on the floor.

It’s not about the socks. So what is it?

Maybe you care about having a clean living space, and are having trouble coping with the differences in your and your partner’s preferences and habits.

Or you feel like your contributions to the household are invisible, and when your partner tosses socks on the clean floor, it’s yet another indication that your work is unappreciated.

Or everything your partner does is setting you on edge right now, because you’re stressed about work.

These are three completely different conversations. “You never pick up your socks!” isn’t an effective way to lead into any of them.

3. Talk about your emotional needs, and ask for help

After you have figured out what’s driving you to have this conversation, talk about that—not the socks, but why they matter so much to you.

Why Relationships Matter

Take our Can You Spot Red Flags In A Relationship?

Find a therapist to strengthen relationships

Sometimes people refer to this as making “I-statements” that focus on your own experience, not the other person’s actions. But the term “I-statement” is easy to misconstrue. It is not helpful to say, “I hate it when you’re a slob. I feel angry when you throw your socks on the floor, yet again, after I keep asking you not to.”

The key is to make the conversation about identifying your emotional needs, and asking for help. Your partner might not care about socks, but they care about you. And now, instead of criticizing, you’re leaning on them for support.

For the three emotional needs identified above, here are ways you could try to bring them up without blaming or shaming your partner.

“Now that we’re living together, I’m wondering how we can get used to each other’s habits. I have to admit my blood pressure goes up every time I see dirty socks on the floor, and I know you can’t stand how I load the dishwasher! What do you think we can do? How do other people handle this?”

“When I see your socks on the floor right after I cleaned, I feel like all my efforts are being ignored, even though I know you’re just changing your clothes and not trying to send me a subliminal message. Still, could you start putting them in the hamper? It’s a little thing that would mean a lot to me.”

“I’m so stressed at work. I know I’m bringing that stress home—little things like socks on the floor are driving me up a wall. It would help to take a break. Do you want to go for a walk together?”

Next time, before the fight starts, take a beat. Think about how you want to feel when the conversation is over, and how you could connect instead of pushing each other apart. And then, after you’ve figured out why this issue is important to you, make the conversation about that. Even if the issue isn't resolved during this conversation, you'll be communicating instead of criticizing—and laying the groundwork for future conversations about what matters to you both.

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